Is it bright where you are?

If you’re a hardcore Smashing Pumpkins fan, you know exactly where I got the title of this post. Now, thanks to a bad ass trailer for the new film ‘The Watchmen,’ everyone else knows how awesome it is, too. Yes, haters, we know; Billy’s a fucking genius.

Since I’ve been dragging my feet posting about Adore and Machina, I’ve decided to tackle the B-sides instead. Billy is the master of B-Sides. In fact, he released a whole album of them with Pisces Iscariot. And if you were lucky enough to snap up ‘The Aeroplane Flies High’ box set, you got even more B-Side goodness. Oh, and I did I mention he did some pretty awesome soundtrack work, too?

In no particular order, here are my favorites.

‘Ugly’: This is from the ‘1979′ single. It’s more stripped down, as most of SP’s b-sides are. It’s just Billy and Jimmy so far as I can tell (and really, what else do you need?). There’s also this awesome feedback on the vocal track that makes the whole thing a gritty affair. My favorite line, ‘And I rot in my skin, as a piece of me dies everyday, I know I’m nothing, because I’m ugly.’

‘Last Song’: Billy plays guitar with his dad on this track from the ‘33′ single. Need I say more? OK, I will. The lyrics are beautiful, the piano is fabulous and the guitar is (duh!) exquisite. I’ve bawled my little eyes out to this song on many an occasion. This line in particular: ‘Could you find a way across me, to forgive and forget me, to appease and relent me, to deceive and detect me, to understand and release me, to the dawn, this is the last song.’

‘Mouths of Babes’: Heavy rock flourishes? Why yes, that is The Smashing Pumpkins I know and love. This really should have been on Mellon Collie, but the ‘Zero’ single suffices. I love the lyrics to this one, but especially this: ‘So now I bid farewell, beyond the bounds of Hell, you’ll swear you knew us well, well you can never tell.’ My disillusioned high school self totally got off on that. Oh, and the fuzzy, reverb-laden riff at the end? Orgasmic.

‘Meladori Magpie’: The ‘Tonight, Tonite’ single was full of gems. This one was especially awesome. Acoustic and almost folksy, it was a real departure from everything they’d put out thus far. Billy pulls out his trademark snarling vocal inflection that still, more than a decade later, gets me every. time. ‘I can’t help but stay the same, I remain true to the name of lovers past, good enough to lose, good enough to choose you too,‘ is my favorite line.

‘Clones (We’re All)’: From the ‘Bullet with Butterfly Wings’ single, I’m 99% sure this is a cover, but I can’t remember right offhand who it is originally. I love it though. It’s nice to see the band having a little fun. ‘We’re all clones, all are one and one are all,’ is completely singable. Try it! You’ll like it!

‘Aeroplane Flies High (Turns Left, Looks Right)’: This is from ‘33′. It’s beautiful, dark and complex and FUCKING AMAZING. The interplay of the drums and the guitar is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Yeah, and it’s like eight and a half minutes long. Billy’s lyrics deal a lot with the concept of disconnection, which is something I’ve always dealt with and this song takes that concept a step further. Example: ‘I’m disconnected by your smile, disconnect a million miles, what you promised me, I hope will set you free, I’m disconnected by your smile.’ The little voice interludes are fucking awesome. My favorite: ‘I used to be afraid to die, now I think I’m more afraid to live.‘ Oh, and because I’m a nerd, he mentions black wings a lot in the song, Davey Havok has black wings tattooed on his back. Coincidence?

‘Drown’: I got this from the Greatest Hits album, but I’m pretty sure it was originally on the soundtrack for Singles. This was from the Siamese Dream era. It’s a lovely little song. Billy sounds so, so young here. It’s full that delightful little hum that permeates a lot of the guitar work from Siamese Dream. This always manages to cheer me up. My favorite line: ‘I wish I wish, I could fly, I wish I wish, I could lie, I will I will, try, I will I will, Goodbye.’ I kinda want that inscribed on my tombstone when the time comes. Yes, I am fucking morbid; shut up.

‘Rotten Apples’: Another acoustic number from ‘Tonight, tonight.’ Billy’s trademark snarly rasp is on full display. How I love it so. This is quite a bit darker than ‘Meladori Magpie,’ but lyrically pretty similar. My favorite line: ‘Life just fades away, purity just begs, dust to dust we’re wired into the sadness.’

‘Eye’: Oooo, Lost Highway soundtrack. So much awesome came from this album. Nine Inch Nails, David Bowie and Marilyn Manson all put on quite a show. My little Goth heart goes pitter patter. This was harbinger of the more electronic sounding Pumpkins. It was dark, smooth and sexy. Favorite line: ‘Is it any wonder I can’t sleep, all I have is all you gave to me, is it any wonder I found peace through you, turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damned, turn away from eye.’ Oh and let’s not forget, ‘It’s not enough, just a touch.’

‘Hello Kitty Kat’: This is from Pisces Iscariot, which is technically an album, but mostly a throw-together of unreleased material, therefore I feel safe putting it here. So there! Everything about this makes me happy. I had lyrics from this scrawled all over dozens of notebooks. Again with the fuzzy, reverb-laden guitar work. It’s tough to pick a favorite lyric from the whole thing, so I’ll pick the ones I know for a fact I had written on my Spanish notebook: ‘Slit my wrist and die a whore, love to love to love what you adore, I can give you anything, but please let me, be your everything,’ ‘Yea yeah, you know I hate to say, I know, I always stay, I don’t wanna be like the others please, who’s sorry now, who’s sorry now, if I show you how, will you let me down, will you let me down, please let me down’ and ‘My love is weakness, my love is oh so wrong, my love is sadness, my love is oh so strong, my teeth are razor sharp, my love is fucking strong, I’ll be with you, but not for long.’

‘Marquis in Spades’: The ‘Zero’ single strikes again! It starts off with a loud hum and then ‘Fucker.’ YES! ‘Hey yea, was I good enough to break you?’ *giggle* ‘We know who you are and where you live, is your innocence all that you can give?’ *SQUEEEE!!* OK, I’m done. It’s heavy, it’s snarling and it’s angry. It’s fucking rock. That is all.

‘Transformer’: I’m certain that I’m one of very few people who really like this cut from ‘33.’ I don’t know why, but I love it. Oh, wait, I think I know why: ‘She’s tired, and she’s sick, of the same old shit, just more of the same old same old.’ Yup, that could be why. Oh, and this: ‘She’s not sorry, she’s happy, sorry, she’s happy.’

‘The End is the Beginning is the End’: Oh Batman & Robin, I had so much hope for you. But then, well, let’s just say the codpiece and the molded-plastic nipples were more than I could stand. This song, as well as several others off the soundtrack, was fabulous. The lyric that sang to my little Goth girl heart: ‘Is it bright where you are, have the people changed, does it make you happy, you’re so strange.’

‘The Beginning is the End is the Beginning’: Confused yet? Same soundtrack, similar lyrics, COMPLETELY different song. Heavy and throbbing, this was used in the aforementioned Watchmen trailer. It sounds like the background to some crazy, post-Apocalyptic freakness. Did I mention I’ll have its babies? Some lyrical goodness for ya: ‘Delivered from the blast, last of a line of a lasts, the pale princess of a palace cracked, and now the kingdom comes, crashing down unknown, and I am master of a nothing place, of recoil and grace.’

‘Jupiter’s Lament’: I think they just slapped all the acoustic stuff on ‘Tonight Tonight’ and called it a day. Fine by me, I love it. This is only a guitar and Billy singing. That’s it. Trust me, it’s all you really need. I always kinda wanted to name a future child Jupiter after this song. But that would be just cruel. Favorite line: ‘And I’m lost without you, and I’m lost within you, and I’m gone, so gone, long gone.’

‘Landslide’: Oh holy Jesus, I love this one. Thank the gods for ‘Pisces.’ This is the far superior cover, so suck on it Dixie Chicks. Anyway, this mom’s and my song, if only for this lyric: ‘Well I’ve been afraid of changing, because I built my life around you, and time makes you bolder, even children get older, and I’m getting older, too.’

‘Medellia of the Gray Skies’: You know how I mentioned some songs that if someone sings them to me or puts them on a mix tape, I’m theirs forever? This is another one of those songs. This gorgeous little song is tucked away on the ‘Tonight Tonight’ single. So much goodness came from that. ‘You’re all I notice, in a crowded room, you’re vacant motives, unmoved, revealed.’ *swoon*

‘Tonite Reprise’: The acoustic version of the song that saved my life. Greatness! It’s rawness fits perfectly with the grandiosity of the original. So fucking beautiful. ‘As the wind-up toys wind down, muffling the sound, of a life hidden underground,’ still makes me a little misty-eyed. ‘Believe in me like I believe in you, tonight.’ Indeed.

Unfortunately, I don’t have many B-sides from Adore or Machina, but if you’ve got some suggestions, let’s hear ‘em!

Vegan on vacation

It’s not exactly a vacation so much as going to see my premature nephew. Whatever you wanna call it, I’m in Arkansas, and I’m already discovering that sticking to all aspects of my diet (vegan and healthy) are going to be damn near impossible. First off, no one else in the family knows I’m vegan, and now’s not so great a time to break the news. Second, my brother and his family don’t exactly eat on a regular schedule like I do.

Take today for instance. For breakfast was my usual buttered toast, which had to be eaten whilst I was doing 80 up 49. Yum. Next came ‘lunch.’ A bag of barbecue potato chips. Yes, potato chips. I wanted pretzels but there were none to be had. Points value for said bag of chips? 6.5. Yes. Twice what I usually eat for lunch in a whole two ounces of chips. Then for supper, my brother cooked pork chops, mac and cheese and green beans. So, for the first time in more than a month, I ate meat. I don’t know how my body is going to react to this.

What I do know is that when I get home, the excuses have to stop and I have to get my ass back on the treadmill and QUICK. I’ve been sluggish on the weight loss lately and I have the distinct impression that this little soujourn is actually going to cause some weight gain. BOLLOCKS!

My plan for somehow managing to stay on track over the next few days is to make recommendations. ‘Hey guys, I’m a little hungry, how about I spring for some Mexican?’ I can eat all the veggie fajitas my heart desires. Breakfast is going to be tough because I’m used to eating fairly soon after waking up.

I know some are going to suggest just not eating what’s served, or only eating certain parts of the meal. This is the South; such behavior is patently offensive, especially among family members. All of this making my September trip to visit the parents in a Virginia a bit more nerve wracking. How in the fuck am I going to eat?!

Recession chic

Things suck at life for everyone these days. Groceries are obnoxiously expensive, gas prices are ridiculous and, oh, have you heard of this whole war thing we got going?

You know what puts me in a better mood? Makeup! Since that’s gotten more expensive along with everyone else, it’s been hitting up the drugstore and Wal-Mart for beauty stuff.

I’ve found some pretty awesome stuff! Foundations, eye shadow, lip gloss and mascara can all be had for peanuts. What’s even better is that they work just as well as their more expensive counterparts.

Eyeshadow:

Cover Girl has a whole slew of fun new colors. You can get them in quad, trios, duos or singles. I got the quad in Tropical Fusion, the top one. The colors really pop, the orange especially. Which is thrilling because I’ve been dying for a good, vibrant orange shadow. These are a steal at about $5 for a quad. Keep an eye out for coupons.

Moisturizer:

I’ve mentioned it before, it bears mentioning again. It’s a great product. Olay’s sensitive formula has SPF, a nice clean smell and doesn’t aggravate my skin. You can get a big bottle or a smaller. I get the smaller, and it’s about $6. The larger size will run you about $9. Coupons for this show up fairly often.

Foundation:

During the summer months, I can’t bear to spackle my face with heavy liquid foundation. Trust me, my skin doesn’t appreciate it either. So I opt for powder foundation. This pick from Cover Girl’s Fresh Complexion line hasn’t yet failed me. There’s a wide range of shades, so you’ll easily find one that matches you. At about $6, this one compact has lasted me about two months. Not bad.

Lip Gloss:

This is a limited edition Revlon product. Part of it’s Midnight line. This is Midnight swirl in Currant Affair. It’s Revlon so it’s pricier than most, but at most it’ll run you about $9. But hurry up! Limited edition means once it’s out, it’s out.

Mascara:

Great Lash is a cult product with good reason. $3 gets your eyelashes looking gorgeous.

Grunge Baby

It’s my belief you have to be in the right mood to fully appreciated Grunge. I’m 99 percent sure I’m there. While Alternative is my favorite genre of music, its stinky, hairy, flannel-wearing little brother can sure put a smile on my face.

Grunge, in case you’re confused, is a sub genre of Alternative rock that blossomed in the Pacific Northwest during the early ’90s. I have this theory that the local environment has a direct effect on the music created there. Rap proves this. California rap has a slinky beat while East Coast rap has a more frenetic pace while Southern rap has a more laid-back flow. The same’s true of Alternative. Most of the bands hailing from the Pacific Northwest have the muddy, gray, booming quality that perfectly matches the overall vibe of the area.

Back to the case at hand. Grunge no longer exists in any respectable form, and Alternative’s been attempting to die a slow death for some time now. But the forebears are nothing to sneeze at and hold their own just as well here in 2008 as they did back in 1991.

You knew this was coming: SONG BREAKDOWN! These are the bands and songs you must go right to iTunes and get Right. This. Minute. if you don’t already have them. Keep in mind bands like The Smashing Pumpkins and Rage Against the Machine are going to be absent from this list. While I love both and consider them both Alternative, I don’t consider them Grunge.

NIRVANA: Yeah, DUH! They invented Grunge and gave us Dave Grohl. For that I am grateful, but I must confess something — I only like Nirvana because I feel like I have to. I respect their contribution to music and culture, but I just don’t dig them like I do other bands. Nevertheless, here are my favorites:

‘Heart-Shaped Box’: Senior year of high school me and this dude from school used to have phone sex all the time until he decided he wanted to date this other chick. His favorite band was Nirvana. This song was on repeat for a solid week after our big showdown. The lyric ‘Hey, wait, I’ve got a new complaint’ was scrawled on several notebooks. God bless high school.

‘All Apologies’: Disaffected youth unite! Or something like that. All snark aside, this song makes me teary eyed. I mean, even in adult life I sometimes wanna yell, ‘What else should I be? All apologies’ So, Kurt, you won that one. NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!

‘In Bloom’: Oddly enough, this song was played during an NFL promo featuring Eli Manning. I got what they were trying to do with it, but something about putting Kurt and Eli together seemed absurd. I love them both, but yeah, I generally don’t put think of one when I think of the other. Absurdity aside, this a great song. My favorite part is the chorus: ‘He’s the one, who likes all our pretty songs, and he likes to sing along, and he likes to shoot his gun, but he don’t know what it means.’ Please note that this was not the part that played during the Eli commercial. Which would have been fucking HILARIOUS.

‘Lithium’: Now, when I’m in one of my ‘Hysterical? YOU WANNA SEE HYSTERICAL?!?!?’ moods, this is the jam. It starts off fairly tight and then breaks down into chaos. Like a crazy person, who might take Lithium. Get it? Ha! Because deep down, I’m really a 12-year-old boy, my favorite line is, ‘I’m so horny, that’s OK my will is good.’

‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’: Yes, I know, it started a cultural revolution. It’s the anthem of a generation. I GET IT! *cough* Anyway. I do like this song. I’m not afraid to be all poseur and say it’s my favorite Nirvana song. Whatever!

SOUNDGARDEN: Oh hi, 3 Doors Down! Oh, I see you brought Nickelback and Hinder with you. Oh, good. Sit down boys, there’s someone I’d like you to meet. This is Chris Cornell and his buddy Kim Thayil and their pals. SUCK ON IT! Nobody did heavy Grunge like Soundgarden did. It wasn’t just heavy though, it was heavy with crazy little bits of intricate guitar and drum work, just to keep you on your toes. Chris Cornell’s vocals are without peer. While I’m sure they’d prefer their legacy to be somewhat greater, ‘Down on the Upside’ is one of my favorite phrases to use as a Facebook status. I’m sorry. Some choice bits:

‘Pretty Noose:’ I’ve had this on repeat almost all day. It’s the perfect blend of muddy and bombast. I friggin’ love this. It shifts gears enough to keep everything interesting but not so much that you’re scratching your head going ‘WTF?’ The drumming in this song gets me all hot. Sing it with me: ‘I don’t care what you’ve got, I don’t care what you need, I don’t want anything, and I don’t like what you’ve got me hanging from.’

‘Burden in my hand’: I must confess, I have no clue what this song is supposed to be about. He shot someone? They’re in the desert? I clearly fail at symbolism. Nonetheless, it’s still something to behold. Especially this lyric: ‘Close your eyes and bow your head, I need a little sympathy, ’cause fear is strong and love’s for everyone, who isn’t me.’ Oh hai, are you me?

‘Blow up the Outside World’: Again, are you me? The vocals on this are pretty damn haunting. As are the lyrics: ‘Want to make it understood, wanting though I never would, trying though I know it’s wrong, blowing it to hell and gone, wishing though I never could, blow up the outside, blow up the outside, blow up the outside, blow up the outside world’ Please see post entitled ‘And if you die …’ if you require further explanation for why I love this song.

‘Black Hole Sun’: This song is creepy in the best possible way. The video freaks my shit right out, but I love it. And yet another instance where I completely fail at symbolism. That said, is the lyric ‘Call my name through the cream, and I’ll hear you scream again’ about what I think it’s about? I’m willing to believe that it’s not and I’m just being a pervert, but I swear that’s where my mind goes every single time I hear it.

HOLE: Ah yes, Hole. Ya know, Courtney Love’s band? I’m not sure whether I love her or hate her. Maybe it’s both. Either way, Hole is the shit. I ain’t even gonna front. Pay attention, Avril; this is how it’s done. I’m also gonna say that whoever had the great idea to have Hole and Marilyn Manson tour together is FUCKING AMAZING. Check these out:

‘Violet’: The Pissed-Off Broads’ National Anthem. This song is a member of what I like to consider my iPod’s version of the Navy SEALs. Deploy only in case of emergency lest bad things happen. Like I start castrating every male over voting age that walks into my line of sight. I’ve deployed it a few times recently. *cough* For pure vitriol, my favorite line is ‘I told you from the start, just how this would end, well I get what I want, but I never want it again.’ Just the way she snarls the first line makes me fucking quiver. Oh, and someone older and wiser than me please settle this for me: Is this really about Billy Corgan?

‘Gold Dust Woman’: Yes, it’s a Fleetwood Mac cover. No, I don’t care. Courtney’s capable of snarling in a way that my darling, ethreal Stevie is not. ‘Did she make you cry, make you break down, shatter your illusions of love, is it over now, do you know how, to pick up the pieces and go home,’ sounds almost mocking; like ‘Aw, poor baby, did you get your feelings hurt?’ LOVE. IT. Why yes, I am a vindictive bitch sometimes; what of it?

‘Celebrity Skin’: I used to stand on my bed and sing this into my hair brush when I was in high school. I may or may not still do so on occasion. The line I feel like screaming at work at increasingly frequent intervals: ‘You want a part of me, well I’m not selling cheap.’

PEARL JAM: The Grunge Gods with a Conscience. And bless them for it. Yes, Fuck TicketMaster indeed. Eddie Vedder’s discomfort with the being in the spotlight was oh so apparent, but I feel added a great deal to the music. Though, I feel like the only female on the planet who does not find him attractive. I dig Chris Cornell personally. I mean, if we’re going to pick our pretty Grunge boys. Either way, as Eddie would tell you, IT’S ABOUT THE MUSIC:

‘Jeremy’: Who knew that way back then, this song would still be heartbreakingly relevant. Growing up 20 minutes away from where the Jonesboro school shooting took place, this song always meant a lot to me. I was in 8th grade when it happened. Ten years later, I still can’t wrap my head around it. The line that absolutely does it: ‘Jeremy spoke in class today.’

‘Black’: I remember this song because after my mother’s exhusband took off (also when I was in the 8th grade. That year fucking sucked), Mom listened to this ALL. THE. TIME. For that reason alone I should hate it. But I can’t. I think it’s because I get it. I watched it with my own eyes. In case you’re wondering, the line that always does me in: ‘I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, I know you’ll be the sun in someone else’s sky, but why can’t it be mine?’

‘Yellow Ledbetter’: ‘Oh, I said, “I–I don’t, I don’t know whether I was the boxer or the bag.” ‘ This.

‘Better Man’: Usually I get really peeved when men try to sing from a woman’s perspective. As if they have any clue what it’s like. This doesn’t bother me so much. Someone’s been telling Mr.Vedder our secrets because he hit the nail on the head. ‘She lies and says she’s in love with him, can’t find a better man.’

Those were just my top picks in Grunge category. Bands like Alice in Chains made great music and what have you, they just weren’t my cup of tea. Disagree with my listing? Got some additions? Subtractions? Let’s hear it!!!

New Babies! (Now with photo!!)

The latest addition to the brood has arrived! My third nephew showed up today (A whole month early — Way to beat deadline there, little dude) at The Med in Memphis.

His name is Joseph Peyton, but will be called Peyton. I, however, will be calling him El Pepito de Arkansas. I like it.

COMEME, VERANO!

Translation: ‘Eat me, Summer!’ (Update: My Spanish is rusty so a dear cousin stepped in to remind me that I had that spelled wrong)

*Sung ala the chorus of ‘Cities of Night’* ‘Fuck Summer, give me Autumn.’

I’m done with Summer. I’ve bloody had it. Burning my fingers every time I start my car? Said car getting hot enough to bake shit no matter how much I finagle with that stupid sun shield thingy? Sweating my nonexistent testicles off every bleeding second I’m outdoors? Tourists playing human Frogger by crossing 90 to get to the beach? The retarded youngsters free from school and constantly underfoot? Yeah, fuck off!

As if I didn’t have enough to hate about this infernal season, the fall/winter catalogs have started coming in. Thanks for rubbing it in!

See, Autumn is my favorite season. I love everything about it. The smells, the brisk feel of the air, the leaves changing, the orange tint of the light in the late afternoon, the food (Pumpkin! Cinnamon! Ginger! Apple!), FOOTBALL.

Oh, and then there’s the clothes. Jewel tones! Sweaters! Tights! Corduroy! Closed-toe shoes! Chunky boots! Pea coats! Hoodies! It almost brings a tear to my eye. The tailored, classic cuts and fabrics present a perfect contrast to the airy, flouncy, garishly colored fashions of Summer. Even the makeup and nail polish are prettier. Smokey, deep, sultry colors abound and being pasty is actually an advantage.

Granted, Mississippi does us wrong on the seasons. We get maybe a month of Autumn before Winter rears its ugly, fucked-up head. Same with Spring. Fuckers.

I won’t let that get me down, though. I fucking love Autumn. There something so mystical and beautiful about it; like it has a secret, but it’s not going to tell you.

I’m looking forward to Halloween; I’m looking forward to football season (GO REBELS GO), crisp nights and golden leaves. I want to wear my orange hooded sweater. I can’t wait to bust out the knit pants and my long sleeves. The brats go back to school and I get the mall to myself! Well, myself, the old people and the soccer moms, but I don’t often have to fight those two for space in the Hot Topic.

Sooner or later, it will start getting dark at about 6 p.m. Oh, and I will rejoice. I will do my happy little Fall dance. I will eagerly snap up Halloween decorations. Pumpkins! Witches! Black Cats! YAY!

Then will come Thanksgiving. Oh, oh, how I love me some Thanksgiving. Food, glorious food. Stuffing, potatoes, pies, green bean casserole. *drool*

When I was growing up, Fall and Winter always meant one thing. Mom was going to be baking constantly. We actually had a pretty good reason for it. The heating system in our house sucked and the only sure-fire way to warm the whole house was to run the oven. So we were warm and had goodies. It was win-win.

Allow me to get hippy-dippy-spiritual for a second. I always feel a lot closer to things in the Fall. Closer? You ask. Yes. I can’t really explain it without sounding like a complete freak, but I feel more spiritual during the Fall than any other time of the year. I don’t know why, but everything is so much clearer for me in Autumn. Like it all makes sense. Like the big, abstract things come into complete focus.

Summer is your big, fat sweaty cousin who stalks about in a Hawaiian shirt, drinks too much and smells like a frat guy’s nutsack. Winter is your old spinster aunt whose house is really beautiful but dusty and cold. Spring’s that obnoxious little sister who’s happy all the fucking time and you just want to slap her. But Fall, Fall’s your best friend. You know the one. The one who’ll sneak into the cemetary with you. The one who shows up out of the blue with a pizza, Ouija board and a copy of ‘The Craft’ and teaches you how to do the perfect smokey eye.

I like Fall.

This is what a feminist looks like!

As evidenced by my Twilight post, I identify as a feminist. I didn’t used to of course. I spent most of my life getting mixed messages about being female. On the one hand, Woo hoo! you can make babies! On the other hand, you’ll be treated as a second-class citizen and everything about you will be considered inferior and week. Woo hoo?

My first lessons on being a woman came from the same place every woman gets her first lessons on being a woman: My Mom. Parents are not perfect creatures, mine is no exception. We’re from a long line of women who think woman = victim. Therefore, it’s best to act as ‘masculine’ as possible. But, at the same time, you hear them forever whispering in your ear, ‘You keep acting like that and you’ll never find a husband!’ What? I was so very confused.

What very little I knew about feminism came from the sensationalized stories you read in the history books. It never occurred to me back then that those books were written by men, whose perspective on feminism might be a little, um, skewed. I thought it was all bra burning, man hating, no wearing make up militancy. Then I learned the truth.

By virtue of my genitalia and the societal implications thereof, I will earn about 75 cents for every dollar a man makes. I will live under the constant fear of rape. Should I be raped, many people will find it to be my fault, no matter the circumstance. I will not be trusted to make my own reproductive decisions. I am expected to spend my entire life in pursuit of man, with whom it should be my desire to pop out kids. I thought all of these things were relics of the quaint 1950s, but no, that mindset is alive and well in this day and age.

This all came as a shock to me. In high school, I was simply the smart kid. Not the smart girl. No, the smart kid. I was also the goth kid. Again, not the goth girl, the goth kid. I had friends who were boys, I had friends who were girls. I had crushes on boys, but overall, I was sexless. Note that’s sex as in male or female, not as in getting it on. Which, I wasn’t doing either.

When I got to college though, and started taking stock of the world outside my little hole, I realized just how messed up things were. A boy can sleep around and he’s a stud. A girl does it and not only is she a slut, but she’ll also be at the receiving end of the dreaded ‘Bless her heart.’ (Note to non-Southerners: ‘Bless your heart’ when used in certain contexts is an insult. Chances are some fine, upstanding Southern matriarch thinks you’re a trollop, but is well-bred enough not to come right out and say it.) As women, we’re treated like cattle. Hysterical, overly emotional cattle. Not like human beings, no no no, we’re a ’special interest group.’ Young women put their sexuality on display not for their own gratification, but to attract males. Girls make out with other girls not in an effort to explore their own sexuality for their own well-being. Nope, they do it because it really turns the guys on. And let’s not even go into the sexual assault statistics at universities.

College was one thing, and I have Dr. Sheila Skemp to credit for opening my eyes to a number of different things. I thought, perhaps, that the real, working world would somehow be different. I mean, I would be working with JOURNALISTS. Journalists seek truth! Journalists understand the world on a competely different level than mere civilians! HA!

I found my answer in feminism. Feminism, to me, doesn’t expect you to be X, Y or Z, it merely expects you to BE. Whatever it is you choose, MAKE THE CHOICE. It isn’t about sitting around and whining about how I make less money or how everything marketed to me is pink. It’s not about doing as you’re told or even as you were taught. It’s about realizing something is inherently wrong with the system and getting off your bum to do something about it. The ways can be small or they can be dramatic. Merely reminding your coworkers that sexual assault is, in fact, not funny can be just as effective as running for office. It’s the small things that make a difference.

And the devil is, as always, in the the details. Look around and you’ll see sexism in the most innocuous of places. Watch commercials. See how the wife is positioned as the shrew to the poor, long-suffering man who just wants to drink beer and watch football? Because, you know, no woman EVER wants to drink beer and watch football. And if she says she does, well, we all know it’s because she’s trying to hook a man. PUH-LEASE. And that’s not even taking account how things get marketed to women. Waxing kits! Cellulite treatments! Weight loss products! Apparently you’re supposed to be thin, lump-free and hairless. What?

Take a look at our slang. We’ll call someone a pussy and tell someone to grow some balls. Obviously, vagina=bad, testicles=good. Fabulous. Really.

That’s not to say that I see sexism every where and that I throw a fit about it. But, these little things add up. Think about our country’s bipolar views on sex. Boobs used to sell things? Hell yea! Boobs used as nature intended, to feed infants? OMG! EW! Frank talk about safe sex with teens? NO!!! Nonstop deluge of rape, murder, torture on various crime shows? YAY!

There are so many other issues that deserve their own post, but let me wrap up. While there is no clear-cut answer to any of these questions, at least feminism brings them out into the open and says ‘Hey, this is a problem; let’s talk about it.’ And that’s at least a start.

No Doubt about it

So lately, as evidenced by the preceding post, I’ve been kinda down. Between regular old depression, rejection and a general sense of unease, it’s been rough going. Usually, times like these require the big guns. Out comes The Smashing Pumpkins. AFI gets cranked up and put on repeat. My secret arsenal of weepy, mopey music gets yanked out. None of these did it for me this time. It appeared for all intents and purposes that the blues were here to stay and I was just going to have to deal with it.

Almost by accident, I found the antidote: NO DOUBT. They’d been there all along, Gwen, Tony and the rest of the gang, hanging out, holding court between The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band and No Mercy. I don’t know why it took me so long to get to them.

No Doubt, much like The Smashing Pumpkins, is a hold over from my adolescent years. While Billy and Co. kept me from killing myself, Gwen and her crew made me realize, ‘Hey, this shit can be fun!’ ‘Spiderwebs’ was my first brush with them. I had absolutely no idea what was going on in that video. A wedding? With Japanese people? And a band? And oh no, the blond cut her finger on the roses!! I had to know more.

The more I found out and the more I listened the more I loved it. Not only was Gwen absolutely gorgeous, she dressed fun and hip and funky. She was self-deprecating. And most importantly, she acted real. She had faults and owned up to them. She was also the first female musician I’d seen who didn’t use her sexuality to sell records. She came across as the cool chick you sat on the back row with in study hall and cracked jokes with. I was entering the holy terror of a minefield known as adolescence, that magical time when girls become mortal enemies for no apparent reason. I was super distrustful of any member of my own gender, but here was a girl I could totally have been friends with, in my wee little head.

The music was also fresh and punchy. It didn’t make me depressed. Not even ‘Don’t Speak.’ It always felt like your best friend showing up with a pint of ice cream and a cheesy movie after a bad breakup. Their music also opened doors to other bands I would come to know and love like 311 and Sublime. Plus, THEY HAD TRUMPETS!!! TRUMPETS!!

Another reason I adored them is that their albums always sounded different. I can tell the difference between ‘Tragic Kingdom’ and ‘Return of Saturn.’ There’s absolutely no confusion as to what album ‘Hey Baby’ belongs. That’s the same reason I loved SP. There’s a signature sound, but they always mix it up and make it fresh and interesting.

I must confess, however, that there was a time when I forsaked my love for No Doubt. At summer camp, no one but me liked them. So I lied and said I didn’t either. Yes, it was wrong and I am deeply ashamed. Now, I don’t care who knows it!

Another reason to love them? TONY KANAL IS HOT. There, I said it. Could this be why I dig Indian guys now? It’s a distinct possibility!

Moving along, since I simply lack the energy to break down their entire catalog, I’m gonna hit the high notes. This is in no particular order, of course.

‘Spiderwebs’: Um, DUH! This totally reminded me of this guy who had the biggest crush on me starting in, like, the 6th grade. ‘Don’t have the courage inside me, to tell you please let me be’ was pretty much my thoughts on the matter. I really wanted the chorus as my answering machine message when I moved out on my own. You do remember the chorus, don’t you? Need me to sing it for you? Gladly! ‘Sorry I’m not home right now, I’m walking in the spiderwebs, so leave a message and I’ll call you back, unlikely story, but leave a message and I’ll call you back’

‘Just a Girl’: So many reasons to love this. One, it was in Clueless. Fuck, I loved that movie. Also, ‘The moment that I step outside, so many reasons to run and hide, can’t do the little things I hold so dear, cause it’s all those little things that I fear.’ Who the hell didn’t feel like that growing up? And what woman still doesn’t from time to time? ‘My apologies, what I’ve become is so burdensome’ I sing that line in my head every time I have to buy tampons, fuss with birth control or any of the myriad of bull shit that comes with being a chick.

‘Sixteen’: God, I love this one. There’s so much that sucks about growing up, ESPECIALLY if you’re female. This sorta made it like, ‘Hey, you’re supposed to be acting out! You’re 16!’ That’s comforting. ‘Well, you’re only 16 with a lot to say, but they won’t give you the time of day.’ Ah, memories.

‘Sunday Morning’: The more experience I gain, the more I find myself relating to this song. When I first heard it, I just liked it for the music. Now, I get it. Oh boy, do I get it. ‘Sappy pathetic little me, that was the girl I used to be, you had me on my knees.’ There’s a joke there, but I won’t. However, my favorite is, ‘You came in with the breeze, on Sunday morning, you sure have changed since yesterday, without any warning.’ Again, who hasn’t been there?!

‘Don’t Speak’: This was everyone’s breakup song in 1997, right? I loved it. Although I’ve never been through a breakup, I’m sure I will crank this shit up LOUD. Like I said earlier, this song is like your best friend coming over with your favorite ice cream and a cheesy flick full of man candy. ‘Don’t speak, I know what you’re thinking, and I don’t need your reasons, don’t tell me cause it hurts.’ Like I said, I’ve never been through a breakup, but holy shit. I love this video as well. And I want her blue dress. BADLY.

‘Tragic Kingdom’: I always loved this, but wasn’t sure what it was about, til mom clued me in. Nice back hand to Disney, kids. I LOVE IT. The reason I didn’t get it was because we were in fact poor and I’ve never been to either theme park. Bite me. ‘The parade that’s electrical, it serves no real purpose, just takes up a lot of juice just to impress us.’ I had a much deeper, more esoteric and symbolic explanation of this, but I was of course 13 and full of shit. And, um, is it wrong that I kinda think ‘Welcome to the Tragic Kingdom’ might be awesome printed on a doormat?

‘Oi to the World’: OK, so it’s a cover. And it was on a Christmas album. I DO NOT CARE! This is on my list of favorite Holiday songs, right next to ‘Ho Ho Fucking Ho’ and MCR’s cover of ‘All I Want for Christmas is You.’ Sing it with me! ‘If God came down on Christmas day, I know exactly what he’d say, he’d say ‘Oi’ to the Punks, ‘Oi’ to the Skins, ‘Oi’ to the world and everybody wins.’

‘Hella Good’: Thank you, No Doubt, for giving this tiny bit of SoCal slang to the rest of us. We do appreciate it. I work ‘hella’ into conversation as much as possible. Because I am, in fact, awesome. ‘You got me feeling hella good, so let’s just keep on dancing.’ One of my many missions in life is to find a guy who makes me want to sing that all. the. time. I’m still looking unfortunately. Oh, and the beat to this should be friggin’ criminal.

‘Hey Baby’: Try to listen this and not want to burst into dance. I dare you! It’s impossible! ‘Hey baby, hey baby, hey!’ Oh come on, you know you like it.

‘Underneath it All’: Another song I would like to be able to sing to a dude at some point in my lifetime. Sigh. ‘You’re really lovely, underneath it all, and you want to love me, underneath it all, I’m really lucky, underneath it all, and you’re really lovely.’ Again, sigh.

‘Ex-Girlfriend’: I’m totally feeling this song right now. Granted, I was in no way a girlfriend, but um, ya know, it still hurts. ‘Why’d you have to go and pick me, when you knew that we were different, completely.’ Yes! What she said! More good advice from Gwen: ‘I find myself trying to change you, if you were meant to be my lover I wouldn’t have to.’ Heed these words, ladies!

‘Simple Kind of Life’: I feel this one a lot lately too. Sometimes I’m all ‘Yay being single! Yay career!’ Then I come home to an empty apartment after a shitty day at work and I’m like ‘Yeah, this is great.’ The line that surely means me and Gwen are really long lost sisters: ‘Like a sick domestic abuser, looking for a fight.’ There’s shit you do even though you know you shouldn’t, but you just can’t help it. ‘All the simple things are simply too complicated for my life.‘ Yeah, again, what she said.

‘Bathwater’: My mom to this day does not get this song, and is frankly a little grossed out by it. I fucking love it. Though I’ve never been in a steady relationship, I know from infatuation. ‘Why do the good girls, always want the bad boys?’ I have no fucking clue! And I’d really like to know! My other favorite: ‘I know I’m diving into my own destruction.’ The drag queen in the video was the lovely, sparkling, FABULOUS icing on the cake.

‘New’: This song is how I feel every time I get a new crush. That exhilarating feeling every time you hear their name or see them. And holy God if they come to stand next to you! Yeah, I’m in that place a lot. ‘Don’t let it go away, this feeling has got to stay’ is my favorite. This was also on the soundtrack for a movie called ‘Go.’ It was one of my favorite movies when I was wee little teenager.

‘Trapped in a Box’: I love Gwen’s voice in this one. And I do love that it’s about TV. ‘Light only enters through a crack or a hole, this is not enough for a human to grow.’ Love! Oh, and the guitar parts are insanely and unexpectedly awesome.

‘It’s My Life’: Another cover, but still so much awesome. ‘Funny how I blind myself,’ I have no idea what she’s talking about. I NEVER do that. Ever! *cough*

At some point, I’ll get to Gwen’s solo stuff. Not tonight though. I’m going to listen to ‘Spiderwebs’ and think happy thoughts!!

Vampires, Romance and Feminism

Today on Jezebel, there was a great post about abusive ’80s romance novels and someone in the comments mentioned the ‘Twilight’ series and suddenly I had an epiphany. While I enjoyed the novels, there was something that just didn’t sit right with me. And I’m not talking about a minor annoyance. Something was digging at my core and I couldn’t figure it out. And now, suddenly, it’s clear: BELLA FAILS AT FEMINISM.

OK, let me clarify, Bella is imaginary therefore it is her creator who fails at feminism, but since I don’t know the author personally, I’ll focus on the character she created.

Throughout all three novels, we find Bella completely unable and unwilling to do for herself. She goes off walking in a strange town and almost gets herself assaulted by hooligans; Edward has to save her. An errant vampire wants to kill her and what does she do? Goes off by herself to try to fight him. Good one, kid. When Edward takes off, she engages in self-destructive behavior so she can hear his voice.

She lives at the mercy of the whims of others. She moves from her home to her father’s (whom she treats like crap) because of her, apparently emotionally unbalanced, mother. Upon arrival, instead of embracing her new home, Bella whinges and whines. Oh the horrors of having people happy to see you! Later she allows herself to be dominated physically and emotionally by Edward and Jacob. Granted, I’m on Team Edward all the way, as I am often emotionally difficult and over protective of things and people that I love.

And since we brought the male protagonists up, let’s discuss her reactions to them for a while. I won’t hate on her infatuation with Edward. I, too, am instantly attracted to any boy who’s mean to me. The difference between me and Bella? I know that shit is unhealthy and I try to stop. And as much as I do love Edward’s character, he is emotionally domineering and practically a bully in some situations. Now Jacob. Passive aggressive and manipulative. Just what I want in a man! And this is where I feel Edward comes out on top. He makes no bones about it. He tells Bella that it’s in her best interests to go the fuck away. Jacob on the other hand plays the ‘I’m not bad; nope, not me!’ hand.

How would a girl with self respect handle this predicament? By telling Jacob to fuck off and staying the hell away from Edward. Of course, there goes the plot of Mrs. Meyers’ novels, but hey, whatever.

Bella cannot form her own personality without the help of either Jacob or Edward. She doesn’t start to stretch her proverbial legs in Forks until she and Edward become an item. When Edward leaves, she completely erases herself and only begins to put herself back together when she realizes she can hear his voice in her head. Of course, who does she enlist for help in this? Jacob, who makes it very clear what his hopes and intentions are. She also lets him dominate and bully her. He also sexually assaults her on two occasions by forcing her to kiss him through physical force and coercion and threats of self harm. Fucking charming.

The line that really did me in though was, ‘We’re both wolf girls’ when she was hanging out at Emily’s house. I wanted to put my head through a window. NOOOOOOO! You are Bella. Please, grow some ovaries and start trying to figure out who you are and what you want. Please form an identity outside of your parents, Edward and Jacob.

At the ripe old age of 24, I know there’s nothing romantic about a domineering man. Nothing is worse than tying your identity to another person. I know these things. I fear the 14-year-olds who are also reading these books may not.

Again, I enjoyed the series for its entertainment value. Vampires! Werewolves! Teenage drama! Oh my! But I worry about the message it might be sending to confused young women. So, any young ladies reading this, take it from me: It is not romantic when a guy treats you like shit! Need proof, read my post about The Boy.

This is probably not my best work on the subject, and I’ll probably be revising and adding more to this after I’ve had a night of rest. But, please, discuss.

I love the ’80s

OK. To be fair, I was born in ‘84 so my cognizant memories of the actual ’80s are few and far between. BUT, the music? Well, that transcends all generations.

Amazon had this crazy sale going on for their MP3s (Thanks for the tip, Sheena!) and I got a live version of ‘If you Leave’ by Orchestral Manuevers in the Dark for gratis. I know what you’re thinking, does anyone honestly NEED a live version of ‘If you Leave’? Well, no. But, my life is all the richer now that I have it.

What’s even funnier is that the ’80s music I absolutely adore now, my mom COULD NOT STAND while it was out. Duran Duran? Yeah, Mom hated them. Madonna and Prince were welcome in our house, but Simon Lebon? Nope. Mom was more of a Dire Straits fan. Of course, I am too, so there ya go.

Another example, The Cure. Robert Smith is a god in my eyes. Mom’s take? ‘Wait, is that another one of those boys who wears makeup?’

As far as Dad’s concerned, Bob Seger is the only musician who has ever recorded.

Let’s not let that stop us! Here are my favorite ’80s songs. Feel free to chime in with yours!

‘Hungry Like the Wolf’ by Duran Duran: I absolutely adore Duran Duran. This song is kinda mine and Sheena’s (in a completely hetero way, ya’ll). When we were training at The DM, we would drive around Oxford playing this song. It was so fucking fun. I gotta thank Mr. Billy Corgan for asking the all-important question (‘Have you been Lebon-ed?’) on his blog and inspiring the Duran Duran love. ‘Mouth is alive, juice is like wine, and I’m hungry like the wolf’ YES! Love it! OK, now for why my mom hates this song. Some lady decided to shoot her three children, killing two of them, and this song was playing while she did it. Mom was both a cop and a mother at the time and she was not happy about it. See also: ‘Reflex’ and ‘Ordinary World’

‘Little Red Corvette’ by Prince: OK, if you’re not sure what the title refers to, let me burst your bubble: IT’S ABOUT A VAGINA. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s focus on how awesome this song is. Prince is the master of nasty, nasty songs. For that alone, he deserves musical sainthood. From the slinky beats, the insane falsetto, the heavy breathing and well, the lyrics, the whole thing is just marvelous. You will never have more fun singing a song about a vagina. Trust. ‘But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it all right, you say what have I got to lose’ What he said. See Also: ‘1999′ and ‘When Doves Cry’

‘Under Pressure’ by Queen with David Bowie: Queen and David Bowie. David Bowie and Queen. PERFECTION. You tried to cheese it up Vanilla Ice, but this is a friggin’ amazing piece of music. Freddy Mercury’s soaring falsetto, David Bowie and his bad ass self. The music starts as a hum, winds up into a frenzied flourish and ends with in a hum. ‘Cause love’s such an old fashioned word, and love dares you to care, for the people on the edge of the night, and love dares you to change our way of, caring about ourselves, this is our last dance, this our last dance, this is ourselves, under pressure’ Fabulous.

‘Dancing with Myself’ by Billy Idol: *snicker* This is about masturbation, right? Or did I just make that up? Either way , I really do like to dance to this song. Who doesn’t love Billy Idol? Even though I really should have picked ‘Rebel Yell’ this is a fun song. ‘So lets sink another drink, ’cause it’ll give me time to think’ is my favorite line, even though I don’t actually drink, like ever. See Also: ‘White Wedding’ and ‘Rebel Yell’

‘Don’t you Want me?’ by Human League: If I ever find a suitable karaoke partner of the male persuasion, this will be our jam. I am convinced. Until then, my shower and hairbrush will have to suffice. Just try not to sing along with the chorus: ‘Don’t you want me, baby, don’t you want me, ohhhhhh’

‘Just can’t get Enough’ by Depeche Mode: Last October, when I was visiting those little people I call nephews, I was watching Barney with the little one (Don’t judge!), and the song the kids were singing sounded really familiar. Then it hit me. They were singing bastardized version of this song. It was bizarre in the best possible way. My friend KAK reminded me that it could have been worse; they could have been singing ‘Personal Jesus.’ This song occasionally comes on in the car, and yes, I sing along. I have no shame. ‘When I’m with you, baby, I go out of my head, and I just can’t get enough’ Yup, that always makes me smile.

‘Dancing in the Dark’ by Bruce Springsteen: BRRRRUUUUUUUUCE. That felt good. Please ignore the video for this. It’s hideous. The Boss and a young Courtney Cox dance the traditional dance of the Causasians. It’s tragic. This song, however, is amazing. My favorite line: ‘You can’t start a fire, worrying about your little world falling apart, this gun’s for hire, even if we’re just dancing in the dark.’ See Also: HIS ENTIRE FUCKING CATALOG.

‘Just Like Heaven’ by The Cure: Remember what I said about Robert Smith being a god? Yeah, this is why. This is what happens when Goth kids fall in love. So, so sweet, but with a bit of darkness thrown in for good measure. ‘I found myself alone, alone, alone above the raging sea, stole the only girl I loved, and drowned her deep inside of me’ SWOON. See Also: ‘The End of The World’ ‘Friday I’m in Love’ and AFI’s cover of ‘Just Like Heaven.’

There a ton of others that are well worth a listen. Anything by Cyndi Lauper, especially ‘She Bop’ and ‘Girls just Wanna Have Fun,’ any and everything Cher put out and a gajillion one hit wonders.

There are some noticable absences. ‘Relax’ by Frankie Goes to Hollywood? Yeah, I can’t stand that song.