As evidenced by my Twilight post, I identify as a feminist. I didn’t used to of course. I spent most of my life getting mixed messages about being female. On the one hand, Woo hoo! you can make babies! On the other hand, you’ll be treated as a second-class citizen and everything about you will be considered inferior and week. Woo hoo?

My first lessons on being a woman came from the same place every woman gets her first lessons on being a woman: My Mom. Parents are not perfect creatures, mine is no exception. We’re from a long line of women who think woman = victim. Therefore, it’s best to act as ‘masculine’ as possible. But, at the same time, you hear them forever whispering in your ear, ‘You keep acting like that and you’ll never find a husband!’ What? I was so very confused.

What very little I knew about feminism came from the sensationalized stories you read in the history books. It never occurred to me back then that those books were written by men, whose perspective on feminism might be a little, um, skewed. I thought it was all bra burning, man hating, no wearing make up militancy. Then I learned the truth.

By virtue of my genitalia and the societal implications thereof, I will earn about 75 cents for every dollar a man makes. I will live under the constant fear of rape. Should I be raped, many people will find it to be my fault, no matter the circumstance. I will not be trusted to make my own reproductive decisions. I am expected to spend my entire life in pursuit of man, with whom it should be my desire to pop out kids. I thought all of these things were relics of the quaint 1950s, but no, that mindset is alive and well in this day and age.

This all came as a shock to me. In high school, I was simply the smart kid. Not the smart girl. No, the smart kid. I was also the goth kid. Again, not the goth girl, the goth kid. I had friends who were boys, I had friends who were girls. I had crushes on boys, but overall, I was sexless. Note that’s sex as in male or female, not as in getting it on. Which, I wasn’t doing either.

When I got to college though, and started taking stock of the world outside my little hole, I realized just how messed up things were. A boy can sleep around and he’s a stud. A girl does it and not only is she a slut, but she’ll also be at the receiving end of the dreaded ‘Bless her heart.’ (Note to non-Southerners: ‘Bless your heart’ when used in certain contexts is an insult. Chances are some fine, upstanding Southern matriarch thinks you’re a trollop, but is well-bred enough not to come right out and say it.) As women, we’re treated like cattle. Hysterical, overly emotional cattle. Not like human beings, no no no, we’re a ’special interest group.’ Young women put their sexuality on display not for their own gratification, but to attract males. Girls make out with other girls not in an effort to explore their own sexuality for their own well-being. Nope, they do it because it really turns the guys on. And let’s not even go into the sexual assault statistics at universities.

College was one thing, and I have Dr. Sheila Skemp to credit for opening my eyes to a number of different things. I thought, perhaps, that the real, working world would somehow be different. I mean, I would be working with JOURNALISTS. Journalists seek truth! Journalists understand the world on a competely different level than mere civilians! HA!

I found my answer in feminism. Feminism, to me, doesn’t expect you to be X, Y or Z, it merely expects you to BE. Whatever it is you choose, MAKE THE CHOICE. It isn’t about sitting around and whining about how I make less money or how everything marketed to me is pink. It’s not about doing as you’re told or even as you were taught. It’s about realizing something is inherently wrong with the system and getting off your bum to do something about it. The ways can be small or they can be dramatic. Merely reminding your coworkers that sexual assault is, in fact, not funny can be just as effective as running for office. It’s the small things that make a difference.

And the devil is, as always, in the the details. Look around and you’ll see sexism in the most innocuous of places. Watch commercials. See how the wife is positioned as the shrew to the poor, long-suffering man who just wants to drink beer and watch football? Because, you know, no woman EVER wants to drink beer and watch football. And if she says she does, well, we all know it’s because she’s trying to hook a man. PUH-LEASE. And that’s not even taking account how things get marketed to women. Waxing kits! Cellulite treatments! Weight loss products! Apparently you’re supposed to be thin, lump-free and hairless. What?

Take a look at our slang. We’ll call someone a pussy and tell someone to grow some balls. Obviously, vagina=bad, testicles=good. Fabulous. Really.

That’s not to say that I see sexism every where and that I throw a fit about it. But, these little things add up. Think about our country’s bipolar views on sex. Boobs used to sell things? Hell yea! Boobs used as nature intended, to feed infants? OMG! EW! Frank talk about safe sex with teens? NO!!! Nonstop deluge of rape, murder, torture on various crime shows? YAY!

There are so many other issues that deserve their own post, but let me wrap up. While there is no clear-cut answer to any of these questions, at least feminism brings them out into the open and says ‘Hey, this is a problem; let’s talk about it.’ And that’s at least a start.

So lately, as evidenced by the preceding post, I’ve been kinda down. Between regular old depression, rejection and a general sense of unease, it’s been rough going. Usually, times like these require the big guns. Out comes The Smashing Pumpkins. AFI gets cranked up and put on repeat. My secret arsenal of weepy, mopey music gets yanked out. None of these did it for me this time. It appeared for all intents and purposes that the blues were here to stay and I was just going to have to deal with it.

Almost by accident, I found the antidote: NO DOUBT. They’d been there all along, Gwen, Tony and the rest of the gang, hanging out, holding court between The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band and No Mercy. I don’t know why it took me so long to get to them.

No Doubt, much like The Smashing Pumpkins, is a hold over from my adolescent years. While Billy and Co. kept me from killing myself, Gwen and her crew made me realize, ‘Hey, this shit can be fun!’ ‘Spiderwebs’ was my first brush with them. I had absolutely no idea what was going on in that video. A wedding? With Japanese people? And a band? And oh no, the blond cut her finger on the roses!! I had to know more.

The more I found out and the more I listened the more I loved it. Not only was Gwen absolutely gorgeous, she dressed fun and hip and funky. She was self-deprecating. And most importantly, she acted real. She had faults and owned up to them. She was also the first female musician I’d seen who didn’t use her sexuality to sell records. She came across as the cool chick you sat on the back row with in study hall and cracked jokes with. I was entering the holy terror of a minefield known as adolescence, that magical time when girls become mortal enemies for no apparent reason. I was super distrustful of any member of my own gender, but here was a girl I could totally have been friends with, in my wee little head.

The music was also fresh and punchy. It didn’t make me depressed. Not even ‘Don’t Speak.’ It always felt like your best friend showing up with a pint of ice cream and a cheesy movie after a bad breakup. Their music also opened doors to other bands I would come to know and love like 311 and Sublime. Plus, THEY HAD TRUMPETS!!! TRUMPETS!!

Another reason I adored them is that their albums always sounded different. I can tell the difference between ‘Tragic Kingdom’ and ‘Return of Saturn.’ There’s absolutely no confusion as to what album ‘Hey Baby’ belongs. That’s the same reason I loved SP. There’s a signature sound, but they always mix it up and make it fresh and interesting.

I must confess, however, that there was a time when I forsaked my love for No Doubt. At summer camp, no one but me liked them. So I lied and said I didn’t either. Yes, it was wrong and I am deeply ashamed. Now, I don’t care who knows it!

Another reason to love them? TONY KANAL IS HOT. There, I said it. Could this be why I dig Indian guys now? It’s a distinct possibility!

Moving along, since I simply lack the energy to break down their entire catalog, I’m gonna hit the high notes. This is in no particular order, of course.

‘Spiderwebs’: Um, DUH! This totally reminded me of this guy who had the biggest crush on me starting in, like, the 6th grade. ‘Don’t have the courage inside me, to tell you please let me be’ was pretty much my thoughts on the matter. I really wanted the chorus as my answering machine message when I moved out on my own. You do remember the chorus, don’t you? Need me to sing it for you? Gladly! ‘Sorry I’m not home right now, I’m walking in the spiderwebs, so leave a message and I’ll call you back, unlikely story, but leave a message and I’ll call you back’

‘Just a Girl’: So many reasons to love this. One, it was in Clueless. Fuck, I loved that movie. Also, ‘The moment that I step outside, so many reasons to run and hide, can’t do the little things I hold so dear, cause it’s all those little things that I fear.’ Who the hell didn’t feel like that growing up? And what woman still doesn’t from time to time? ‘My apologies, what I’ve become is so burdensome’ I sing that line in my head every time I have to buy tampons, fuss with birth control or any of the myriad of bull shit that comes with being a chick.

‘Sixteen’: God, I love this one. There’s so much that sucks about growing up, ESPECIALLY if you’re female. This sorta made it like, ‘Hey, you’re supposed to be acting out! You’re 16!’ That’s comforting. ‘Well, you’re only 16 with a lot to say, but they won’t give you the time of day.’ Ah, memories.

‘Sunday Morning’: The more experience I gain, the more I find myself relating to this song. When I first heard it, I just liked it for the music. Now, I get it. Oh boy, do I get it. ‘Sappy pathetic little me, that was the girl I used to be, you had me on my knees.’ There’s a joke there, but I won’t. However, my favorite is, ‘You came in with the breeze, on Sunday morning, you sure have changed since yesterday, without any warning.’ Again, who hasn’t been there?!

‘Don’t Speak’: This was everyone’s breakup song in 1997, right? I loved it. Although I’ve never been through a breakup, I’m sure I will crank this shit up LOUD. Like I said earlier, this song is like your best friend coming over with your favorite ice cream and a cheesy flick full of man candy. ‘Don’t speak, I know what you’re thinking, and I don’t need your reasons, don’t tell me cause it hurts.’ Like I said, I’ve never been through a breakup, but holy shit. I love this video as well. And I want her blue dress. BADLY.

‘Tragic Kingdom’: I always loved this, but wasn’t sure what it was about, til mom clued me in. Nice back hand to Disney, kids. I LOVE IT. The reason I didn’t get it was because we were in fact poor and I’ve never been to either theme park. Bite me. ‘The parade that’s electrical, it serves no real purpose, just takes up a lot of juice just to impress us.’ I had a much deeper, more esoteric and symbolic explanation of this, but I was of course 13 and full of shit. And, um, is it wrong that I kinda think ‘Welcome to the Tragic Kingdom’ might be awesome printed on a doormat?

‘Oi to the World’: OK, so it’s a cover. And it was on a Christmas album. I DO NOT CARE! This is on my list of favorite Holiday songs, right next to ‘Ho Ho Fucking Ho’ and MCR’s cover of ‘All I Want for Christmas is You.’ Sing it with me! ‘If God came down on Christmas day, I know exactly what he’d say, he’d say ‘Oi’ to the Punks, ‘Oi’ to the Skins, ‘Oi’ to the world and everybody wins.’

‘Hella Good’: Thank you, No Doubt, for giving this tiny bit of SoCal slang to the rest of us. We do appreciate it. I work ‘hella’ into conversation as much as possible. Because I am, in fact, awesome. ‘You got me feeling hella good, so let’s just keep on dancing.’ One of my many missions in life is to find a guy who makes me want to sing that all. the. time. I’m still looking unfortunately. Oh, and the beat to this should be friggin’ criminal.

‘Hey Baby’: Try to listen this and not want to burst into dance. I dare you! It’s impossible! ‘Hey baby, hey baby, hey!’ Oh come on, you know you like it.

‘Underneath it All’: Another song I would like to be able to sing to a dude at some point in my lifetime. Sigh. ‘You’re really lovely, underneath it all, and you want to love me, underneath it all, I’m really lucky, underneath it all, and you’re really lovely.’ Again, sigh.

‘Ex-Girlfriend’: I’m totally feeling this song right now. Granted, I was in no way a girlfriend, but um, ya know, it still hurts. ‘Why’d you have to go and pick me, when you knew that we were different, completely.’ Yes! What she said! More good advice from Gwen: ‘I find myself trying to change you, if you were meant to be my lover I wouldn’t have to.’ Heed these words, ladies!

‘Simple Kind of Life’: I feel this one a lot lately too. Sometimes I’m all ‘Yay being single! Yay career!’ Then I come home to an empty apartment after a shitty day at work and I’m like ‘Yeah, this is great.’ The line that surely means me and Gwen are really long lost sisters: ‘Like a sick domestic abuser, looking for a fight.’ There’s shit you do even though you know you shouldn’t, but you just can’t help it. ‘All the simple things are simply too complicated for my life.‘ Yeah, again, what she said.

‘Bathwater’: My mom to this day does not get this song, and is frankly a little grossed out by it. I fucking love it. Though I’ve never been in a steady relationship, I know from infatuation. ‘Why do the good girls, always want the bad boys?’ I have no fucking clue! And I’d really like to know! My other favorite: ‘I know I’m diving into my own destruction.’ The drag queen in the video was the lovely, sparkling, FABULOUS icing on the cake.

‘New’: This song is how I feel every time I get a new crush. That exhilarating feeling every time you hear their name or see them. And holy God if they come to stand next to you! Yeah, I’m in that place a lot. ‘Don’t let it go away, this feeling has got to stay’ is my favorite. This was also on the soundtrack for a movie called ‘Go.’ It was one of my favorite movies when I was wee little teenager.

‘Trapped in a Box’: I love Gwen’s voice in this one. And I do love that it’s about TV. ‘Light only enters through a crack or a hole, this is not enough for a human to grow.’ Love! Oh, and the guitar parts are insanely and unexpectedly awesome.

‘It’s My Life’: Another cover, but still so much awesome. ‘Funny how I blind myself,’ I have no idea what she’s talking about. I NEVER do that. Ever! *cough*

At some point, I’ll get to Gwen’s solo stuff. Not tonight though. I’m going to listen to ‘Spiderwebs’ and think happy thoughts!!

Men of the world (with a few exceptions): YOU. WIN. I give up.

I deleted all of my online dating service accounts and I don’t plan on trying it again. EVER.

Dating has to be one of the most useless endeavours on the face of the planet. There’s no rhyme or reason to it.

A plus B should equal C. The universe’s continued function depends on it. Oh no, not with dating. A plus B could equal 8,000 or it could equal Goat or P or whatever the hell it wants. These are rules I cannot abide by.

When people are nice to you, you have to be nice back. It’s the rules. It’s how it goes. A + B = C. Is that so fucking difficult?

Today on Jezebel, there was a great post about abusive ’80s romance novels and someone in the comments mentioned the ‘Twilight’ series and suddenly I had an epiphany. While I enjoyed the novels, there was something that just didn’t sit right with me. And I’m not talking about a minor annoyance. Something was digging at my core and I couldn’t figure it out. And now, suddenly, it’s clear: BELLA FAILS AT FEMINISM.

OK, let me clarify, Bella is imaginary therefore it is her creator who fails at feminism, but since I don’t know the author personally, I’ll focus on the character she created.

Throughout all three novels, we find Bella completely unable and unwilling to do for herself. She goes off walking in a strange town and almost gets herself assaulted by hooligans; Edward has to save her. An errant vampire wants to kill her and what does she do? Goes off by herself to try to fight him. Good one, kid. When Edward takes off, she engages in self-destructive behavior so she can hear his voice.

She lives at the mercy of the whims of others. She moves from her home to her father’s (whom she treats like crap) because of her, apparently emotionally unbalanced, mother. Upon arrival, instead of embracing her new home, Bella whinges and whines. Oh the horrors of having people happy to see you! Later she allows herself to be dominated physically and emotionally by Edward and Jacob. Granted, I’m on Team Edward all the way, as I am often emotionally difficult and over protective of things and people that I love.

And since we brought the male protagonists up, let’s discuss her reactions to them for a while. I won’t hate on her infatuation with Edward. I, too, am instantly attracted to any boy who’s mean to me. The difference between me and Bella? I know that shit is unhealthy and I try to stop. And as much as I do love Edward’s character, he is emotionally domineering and practically a bully in some situations. Now Jacob. Passive aggressive and manipulative. Just what I want in a man! And this is where I feel Edward comes out on top. He makes no bones about it. He tells Bella that it’s in her best interests to go the fuck away. Jacob on the other hand plays the ‘I’m not bad; nope, not me!’ hand.

How would a girl with self respect handle this predicament? By telling Jacob to fuck off and staying the hell away from Edward. Of course, there goes the plot of Mrs. Meyers’ novels, but hey, whatever.

Bella cannot form her own personality without the help of either Jacob or Edward. She doesn’t start to stretch her proverbial legs in Forks until she and Edward become an item. When Edward leaves, she completely erases herself and only begins to put herself back together when she realizes she can hear his voice in her head. Of course, who does she enlist for help in this? Jacob, who makes it very clear what his hopes and intentions are. She also lets him dominate and bully her. He also sexually assaults her on two occasions by forcing her to kiss him through physical force and coercion and threats of self harm. Fucking charming.

The line that really did me in though was, ‘We’re both wolf girls’ when she was hanging out at Emily’s house. I wanted to put my head through a window. NOOOOOOO! You are Bella. Please, grow some ovaries and start trying to figure out who you are and what you want. Please form an identity outside of your parents, Edward and Jacob.

At the ripe old age of 24, I know there’s nothing romantic about a domineering man. Nothing is worse than tying your identity to another person. I know these things. I fear the 14-year-olds who are also reading these books may not.

Again, I enjoyed the series for its entertainment value. Vampires! Werewolves! Teenage drama! Oh my! But I worry about the message it might be sending to confused young women. So, any young ladies reading this, take it from me: It is not romantic when a guy treats you like shit! Need proof, read my post about The Boy.

This is probably not my best work on the subject, and I’ll probably be revising and adding more to this after I’ve had a night of rest. But, please, discuss.

OK. To be fair, I was born in ‘84 so my cognizant memories of the actual ’80s are few and far between. BUT, the music? Well, that transcends all generations.

Amazon had this crazy sale going on for their MP3s (Thanks for the tip, Sheena!) and I got a live version of ‘If you Leave’ by Orchestral Manuevers in the Dark for gratis. I know what you’re thinking, does anyone honestly NEED a live version of ‘If you Leave’? Well, no. But, my life is all the richer now that I have it.

What’s even funnier is that the ’80s music I absolutely adore now, my mom COULD NOT STAND while it was out. Duran Duran? Yeah, Mom hated them. Madonna and Prince were welcome in our house, but Simon Lebon? Nope. Mom was more of a Dire Straits fan. Of course, I am too, so there ya go.

Another example, The Cure. Robert Smith is a god in my eyes. Mom’s take? ‘Wait, is that another one of those boys who wears makeup?’

As far as Dad’s concerned, Bob Seger is the only musician who has ever recorded.

Let’s not let that stop us! Here are my favorite ’80s songs. Feel free to chime in with yours!

‘Hungry Like the Wolf’ by Duran Duran: I absolutely adore Duran Duran. This song is kinda mine and Sheena’s (in a completely hetero way, ya’ll). When we were training at The DM, we would drive around Oxford playing this song. It was so fucking fun. I gotta thank Mr. Billy Corgan for asking the all-important question (’Have you been Lebon-ed?’) on his blog and inspiring the Duran Duran love. ‘Mouth is alive, juice is like wine, and I’m hungry like the wolf’ YES! Love it! OK, now for why my mom hates this song. Some lady decided to shoot her three children, killing two of them, and this song was playing while she did it. Mom was both a cop and a mother at the time and she was not happy about it. See also: ‘Reflex’ and ‘Ordinary World’

‘Little Red Corvette’ by Prince: OK, if you’re not sure what the title refers to, let me burst your bubble: IT’S ABOUT A VAGINA. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s focus on how awesome this song is. Prince is the master of nasty, nasty songs. For that alone, he deserves musical sainthood. From the slinky beats, the insane falsetto, the heavy breathing and well, the lyrics, the whole thing is just marvelous. You will never have more fun singing a song about a vagina. Trust. ‘But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it all right, you say what have I got to lose’ What he said. See Also: ‘1999′ and ‘When Doves Cry’

‘Under Pressure’ by Queen with David Bowie: Queen and David Bowie. David Bowie and Queen. PERFECTION. You tried to cheese it up Vanilla Ice, but this is a friggin’ amazing piece of music. Freddy Mercury’s soaring falsetto, David Bowie and his bad ass self. The music starts as a hum, winds up into a frenzied flourish and ends with in a hum. ‘Cause love’s such an old fashioned word, and love dares you to care, for the people on the edge of the night, and love dares you to change our way of, caring about ourselves, this is our last dance, this our last dance, this is ourselves, under pressure’ Fabulous.

‘Dancing with Myself’ by Billy Idol: *snicker* This is about masturbation, right? Or did I just make that up? Either way , I really do like to dance to this song. Who doesn’t love Billy Idol? Even though I really should have picked ‘Rebel Yell’ this is a fun song. ‘So lets sink another drink, ’cause it’ll give me time to think’ is my favorite line, even though I don’t actually drink, like ever. See Also: ‘White Wedding’ and ‘Rebel Yell’

‘Don’t you Want me?’ by Human League: If I ever find a suitable karaoke partner of the male persuasion, this will be our jam. I am convinced. Until then, my shower and hairbrush will have to suffice. Just try not to sing along with the chorus: ‘Don’t you want me, baby, don’t you want me, ohhhhhh’

‘Just can’t get Enough’ by Depeche Mode: Last October, when I was visiting those little people I call nephews, I was watching Barney with the little one (Don’t judge!), and the song the kids were singing sounded really familiar. Then it hit me. They were singing bastardized version of this song. It was bizarre in the best possible way. My friend KAK reminded me that it could have been worse; they could have been singing ‘Personal Jesus.’ This song occasionally comes on in the car, and yes, I sing along. I have no shame. ‘When I’m with you, baby, I go out of my head, and I just can’t get enough’ Yup, that always makes me smile.

‘Dancing in the Dark’ by Bruce Springsteen: BRRRRUUUUUUUUCE. That felt good. Please ignore the video for this. It’s hideous. The Boss and a young Courtney Cox dance the traditional dance of the Causasians. It’s tragic. This song, however, is amazing. My favorite line: ‘You can’t start a fire, worrying about your little world falling apart, this gun’s for hire, even if we’re just dancing in the dark.’ See Also: HIS ENTIRE FUCKING CATALOG.

‘Just Like Heaven’ by The Cure: Remember what I said about Robert Smith being a god? Yeah, this is why. This is what happens when Goth kids fall in love. So, so sweet, but with a bit of darkness thrown in for good measure. ‘I found myself alone, alone, alone above the raging sea, stole the only girl I loved, and drowned her deep inside of me’ SWOON. See Also: ‘The End of The World’ ‘Friday I’m in Love’ and AFI’s cover of ‘Just Like Heaven.’

There a ton of others that are well worth a listen. Anything by Cyndi Lauper, especially ‘She Bop’ and ‘Girls just Wanna Have Fun,’ any and everything Cher put out and a gajillion one hit wonders.

There are some noticable absences. ‘Relax’ by Frankie Goes to Hollywood? Yeah, I can’t stand that song.

If you’ve read my ‘About Me’ blurb, you know I work for a daily newspaper in South Mississippi. Said daily newspaper is owned by McClatchy, the No. 3 newspaper chain in the country. Monday, the chain laid off 1,400 workers throughout the chain.

Ten of those came from my newspaper with five of the spots coming from our already woefully understaffed newsroom. The already overworked, understaffed copy/design desk (of which I am a member) lost another one. Schedules were tricky enough before, now it’s literally going to be like getting blood from a stone. My poor supervisor, already inundated with work preparing for the new computer system, now has to do some wicked voodoo to make the schedule work.

Wait, you’re thinking, what’s so hard about a schedule? Well, at a newspaper certain jobs have to be done on certain days. PERIOD. End of story. The A section has to come out, one way or the other. Any other job, if so and so’s not there to do it, it can be put off. Not so here. Also, because we’re not a truly universal desk, certain employees only do certain jobs. Yeah, it’s convoluted and insane, and it’s truly a miracle that the damn paper makes it to press every night.

So, on top of all this stress and worry, you’ve got so-called experts and academics ringing the death knell for print journalism. Well, they said radio would be the death of print. Not so, in fact, radio ain’t doing so hot itself these days (THANKS CLEARCHANNEL!). Then when TV came, they were oh so sure that newspapers were on the way out. Yeah, well, TV news sucks and it’s been proven time and time again that it suck. The Internet is a trickier, but many many papers are adapting, and doing it well.

That, and what a lot of people forget is that most of the people in this country do not live in metropolitan areas. No, a vast majority of your countrymen reside in tiny little towns dotting landscape. Yes, I know, how awful. Anyway, many of these darling yokels rely on their local newspaper for what they need to know. Some don’t have computers or Internet access. *GASP* And in the case of a natural disaster (like Katrina) what good is the Internet, TV or radio going to do you? Newspapers do not require electricity to put out. Long before mechanical presses, people did it by hand. It can be done. However, it usually won’t come to that because a smart newspaper will work with a publication outside the disaster area to get the paper put together and printed.

I’m not sure how I feel about all this yet. This is my chosen profession and while some days I cannot stand it, overall I totally believe in our jobs as journalists. What sickens me is the treatment of the news like a commodity. I hate it when people refer to the paper or any of our other publications as a ‘product.’ Since when did the truth as we’re able to define it become a product?

So, after much tweaking, piddling and consulting with Cam, I’ve struck baked good gold. FINALLY.

First off, the brownies! Turns out the nutritionals on this were a little better than I thought. Points value is still the same, but when I used the exact numbers off the box instead of Weight Watcher’s generic ‘brownie mix’ entry it brought it down some.

Next, I used that Ener-G Egg Replacer everyone’s been raving about. That stuff is amazing. It’s looks a little bit like, um, how should I say this?, SPLOOGE. Yeah, it was little disturbing. There’s a self-deprecating joke there, but I’m not gonna touch it. That also brought the overall Points value down some.

Since the overall value had been knocked down some, I decided to play around with the apple sauce/oil content. I usually just use straight apple sauce which makes the brownies cakier. I hate cakey brownies. so this time I decided to half and half it. Again, the nutritionals stayed about where I wanted them.

All of these minor tweaks turned out a delicious, chewy, fudgy bit of joy. They even got that thin, crunchy chocolate film on top!!

See for yourself!!!

Oh, and my food photography still sucks.

Now for the cookies. My roommate was a fan of the last batch, I was pleased, but not thrilled. These however bring me great joy.

I actually followed the correct recipe!! I even creamed the butter and sugar properly! I did forget to add the vanilla and soy milk until after I added the dry ingredients, but it didn’t hurt that much. This time the dough was perfectly pliable and the chips mixed right in. Last time the dough was WWAAAAYYYY too oily and the chips kept popping out. It was gross.

I even managed to get a handle on my electric hand mixer. For whatever reason, that piece of equipment scares the bejesus out of me. But I pwned the little fucker this time!!

I haven’t crunched the nutritionals on the cookies yet, but I’m pretty sure they’re no worse than the brownies.

AND THEY’RE PRETTY!

Again, I’m a copy editor, not a photographer!

Anyway, it’s nice to finally make something somewhat yummy and healthy at the same time.

Though my collection of vegan cookbooks grows, and I’m committed to keeping cheese on a limited basis for the time being, I still find myself sticking to things that come out of a can. I wish I had the time (and not to mention the gadgets and ingredients) for all the really awesome looking food I find.

For right now, my meals consist of Vegan Sloppy Joes (Morningstar Farms Veggie Burger Crumbles and a can of Manwich) or taco salad (Low-fat refried beans with chips and Taco Bell taco sauce) and a salad. Occasionally a soup gets thrown in the mix. Dessert is usually sorbet. My usual breakfast is buttered toast.

This is all well and good. It’s not like I’m starving, but damn if it doesn’t get completely boring. So I buy cookbooks and read vegan blogs, but it’s all so intimidating. Like seitan for example. Seitan looks like something I could get behind. However, every recipe I find for it looks SO HARD. Then there are things like soy cheese, cream cheese and sour cream. I know how to cook a lot of stuff with the non-vegan versions of those. But guess what? I LIVE IN SOUTH MISSISSIPPI! I think the stores in Ocean Springs or Slidell carry these types of things, but driving all the way to Ocean Springs or Slidell for groceries is asking a lot.

And yet, onward I march. Tonight’s supper wasn’t too shabby either. I took a tip from the blog for Fat Free Vegan Kitchen and baked some corn tortillas into really yummy tostada shells. I heated up a can of fat-free refried beans to smear on them and topped them off with some soy cheese (not vegan though, sorry) and some taco sauce. It was seriously good stuff.

See for yourself:

The photo isn’t great. Food photography is not one of my strong points. But these were really yummy.

The cookies I baked last week I had chalked into the Lose column, but my roommate said they were awesome. So I tried some. Not bad after a few days. The roommate was especially happy that they were somewhat healthy.

They look like regular cookies don’t they?

The brownies were, however, a bust. I should have just stuck with the silken tofu. They taste like ASS!

Yeah. They’re not good. I haven’t thrown them out yet, but they’ll be hitting the garbage disposal soon.

I do have some recipes I’m eager to try. Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes, assorted flavors of muffins and breads as well as some seitan and tempeh dishes.

But until I can get a better handle on my cooking, it’s taco salad and Manwich!

For the past two days I’ve been listening to ‘CexCells’ by Blaqk Audio to the exclusion of all others. I really have to be in the mood for electronic music, and I guess I’ve been in the proper mood. I bought the album when it first came out but didn’t really listen to it. Then I listened to bits and pieces and I’ve finally broke down and listened to the whole thing front to back. AMAZING.

It’s been really soothing these past few days when I’ve been ever so close to either a nervous breakdown or a castrating rampage. That’s right, I said castrating. Stupid Boy. Anyway, it’s also making me want to get up and dance, and nothing makes me want to get up and dance. Seriously. It’s also great music to design along with. It makes the inanity easier to swallow.

Musically, it’s great. The beats are so much fun and Davey’s really doing some creative things with his singing. I was unaware he could croon. I love it. There are some pared down slow burners mixed in with some decadent flourishes. Like I said, LOVE.

To prove my devotion, here’s a song by song breakdown:

‘Stiff Kittens’: The visual image I get from this is different step teams on roller skates just straight up breaking it down. Is that weird? Lyrically, my favorite part is, ‘If you show me heaven, I will meet you there.’

‘Between Breaths (An XX Perspective)’: There is sooooo much to love about this one. Davey singing about naughty things? Yes, please, keep going. The beats of the song are so slinky and sexy. It’s not stripper music; it’s fuck music. ‘Please Please Please, don’t take it, take it easy on me, just make it, make it, make it harder to breathe, so I climb on top and I’ll never stop til I make you forget who you are.’ Um yeah, what he said. Sweet Jesus.

‘Snuff on Digital’: The beat of this song makes me want to dance, run, fuck or some combination thereof. The chorus is one of those aforementioned flourishes that erases everything from your brain and leaves behind only the urge to move. ‘Immobile lights will fly tonight, We’ll watch them pass together as we part the rising sky, I won’t die without you, These breathtaking heights lend sparkling sights, But we won’t fall forever, Tightly bound we’ll chase the ground, I won’t die without you.’ That makes me happy.

‘Bitter for Sweet’: This is a little more industrial sounding. Lyrically it’s also a bit darker. Example: ‘How deep must we cut, to reach sensation.’ Of course, I’m not the Daily Mail so I know that dark lyrics do not a suicide death cult make. The last quarter of this song is the cherry on the cake. I love those really fast, up-tempo hooks. I think I might have been a raver in a past life.

‘Where Would You Like Them Left?’: I consider this one a slow burner. It’s not really danceable; it’s more sit back and chill. May favorite line ‘It’s a lot to take, but they won’t find us, it’s a lot to take I know, I know, it’s a lot to face, but pay no mind, cause this is how we’re made you know, and so’ mainly because he sings it in this sexy little whisper that is almost unbearable.

‘The Fear of Being Found’: This is a dreamy little pop song. I love it. Those flourishes I mentioned? Full of them. It’s so very soothing. ‘Could I change one thing?, Could I change your mind?, Shall we burn it just like the last time?, I can’t change a thing, can’t explain why I never felt it, Not even the first time,’ feels oddly relevant to me, even though I don’t like The Boy muddling with my Blaqk Audio listening experience.

‘On a Friday’: I design like a motherfucker to this song. Seriously, when I need to kick ass and take names and get a shit ton of pages out in record time, this is the jam. If I weren’t usually at work, I’d totally be dancing along with this. Oh, and because Davey’s apparently in my head and knows my shit before I do, there’s this little gem of a lyric: ‘Did he want you? Did you want to? Did you question what it meant to you, With a beat between your breaths?’ And at about the 3 minute mark, it takes all my willpower not to burst out into song and dance. That’d be embarrassing.

‘The Love Letter’: This mixes industrial and dreamy and it is a beautiful thing. Favorite line? ‘Walk right through me, I’m not really there.’ This is also fuck music. ‘What I’ll never show, what you’ll never find, is explosive, so hide your eyes.’ Again, Davey, get outta my head, sir!

‘Semiotic Love’: To quote Sprockets: ‘Now is the time on Sprockets vhen ve dance!’ Again, had I not been at work, I would have burst into a horrible techno dance. ‘I’ll stand forever, and love whatever, breaks my heart’ and ‘Just say goodbye, I live and I’ll die, hooked on a star, enraptured by the sky, in love with a satellite’ make me unbearably happy.

‘Cities of Night’: I love the beat to this. It’s another kinda chill one and works as a great follow up to ‘Semiotic Love.’ This also provides my new favorite lyric: ‘Will you live in hope, or dark desire, what can I say, oh, fuck love give me fire.’ Preach, good sir — PREACH! Because I’m a newspaper nerd ‘We’ll shine this time, we’ll make headlines’ makes me smile.

‘Again, Again and Again’: I fucking love this. The beat is awesome. It’s that fast-paced, thumping rhythm that doesn’t let up. Fabulous. Oh and the chorus: ‘What’ll it take for you to surrender, I gave you a taste oh how you’ve grown, this great trial, this self denial, it’s a trial to leave you clean, because I like it dark and low, you know’ LOVE. Oh, and they were smart enough to leave that last serial comma off. YAY!

‘Wake Up, Open the Door and Escape to the Sea’: This is just beautiful. Try to listen to this and not want to grab a sweetheart and cuddle like a mother fucker. ‘But, oh, My, my, you’re oh so sly, Let’s leave unsaid, What’s left unspoken, And oh, my boy, You’re oh so coy, Let’s just pretend, That nothing’s broken.’ All right Davey, I give up. You’re obviously reading my thoughts, setting them to a techno beat and making me fucking like it. You win.

Work schedule shenanigans prevent me from doing an in-depth post about ‘Twilight’ or Adore and I desperately need to get to those at some point.

However, can someone please explain dudes to me. I really don’t get them. AT. ALL. OK, I should say there’s just one in particular that stumps me. Otherwise known simply as The Boy, he’s well-known with my two besties. And they both think he’s an asshole. Yeah, they’re probably right. Whatever.

Anyway, I’ve known this dude since mid-March. He has this habit of coming around to play and then disappearing. I haven’t heard from him in weeks, then at about 8:30ish this morning I hear a rapping on my window. WTF, I say. No one wakes me up at that hour. Even Mom’s learned not to do that. Lo and behold, it’s The Boy. We hook up, he makes plans for later in the day, like an idiot I plan my day around it and now I’m sitting here waiting for a text message that’s not going to come. Yes, this is one of many proud moments where The Boy is concerned.

So to drown my confusion (and, I’ll admit it, sorrows), I’m baking. And it’s not going over so well. Instead of tofu as an egg replacer, I used ground flax seeds. This was a bad idea. I think I’m just going to break down and buy that damn egg replacer every vegan site I go to raves about. I can find a use for the flax seeds and tofu I guess.

However, I did have a fun food find today. Success 10-minute brown rice in portabello flavor. So friggin’ good. Probably unhealthier than I care to admit, but whatever. I miss rice. Weight Watchers has some evil vendetta against rice, but I love the shit. I also bought some whole wheat pasta today and as soon as I order some nutritional yeast, I’m going to try out this mac and cheese recipe I found.

Then to add to the fun and adventure, I dropped one of my roommate’s bowls as I was unloading the dishwasher and one of the shards gigged me good. Little bastard cut my hand in four places. I am unamused. I also burnt my hand taking my last batch of cookies out of the oven. I am a walking comedy of errors. Oh, and I haven’t done my laundry yet, and I don’t have a stitch of clean clothes. Yup, I’m killing ‘em today.

I was supposed to work out today, which I haven’t done in WEEKS, but considering it’s a quarter til 9 and I still have laundry to do, I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

It hasn’t all been bad though. I finally gave in to the siren call of Flyleaf and downloaded ‘All Around Me.’ I saw them live at Memphis in May and was kinda ambivalent about them until the end of their set when the singer decided to start getting preachy. I hate that shit. I don’t often get all ‘Shut up and sing!’ but I don’t like being preached at. But the radio stations around here kept playing the shit out of that song so I finally surrendered.

I also listened all the way through Blaqk Audio’s album again. God, it is fucking great. I really have to be in the mood for electronic music, even if it is boys from AFI. Today, I was apparently in the mood. ‘Again, Again and Again’ might very well have unseated ‘Where Would You Like Them Left?’ as my favorite off the record. It’d be a great motivator to exercise if I still had the will.

As far as exercise goes, I’m just bored to death with the treadmill and the elliptical does horrible things to my muscles. I’ve tried the DDR, but I suck at it so I’ll be at it for about five minutes before I get pissed off and give up. I’m seriously looking into this Wii Fit thing. But I don’t want to drop $90 on something for it to end up like DDR and Guitar Hero (which I’ve only played with twice since I bought it; I’m really a terrible person).