Hannah

So lately, as evidenced by the preceding post, I’ve been kinda down. Between regular old depression, rejection and a general sense of unease, it’s been rough going. Usually, times like these require the big guns. Out comes The Smashing Pumpkins. AFI gets cranked up and put on repeat. My secret arsenal of weepy, mopey music gets yanked out. None of these did it for me this time. It appeared for all intents and purposes that the blues were here to stay and I was just going to have to deal with it.

Almost by accident, I found the antidote: NO DOUBT. They’d been there all along, Gwen, Tony and the rest of the gang, hanging out, holding court between The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band and No Mercy. I don’t know why it took me so long to get to them.

No Doubt, much like The Smashing Pumpkins, is a hold over from my adolescent years. While Billy and Co. kept me from killing myself, Gwen and her crew made me realize, ‘Hey, this shit can be fun!’ ‘Spiderwebs’ was my first brush with them. I had absolutely no idea what was going on in that video. A wedding? With Japanese people? And a band? And oh no, the blond cut her finger on the roses!! I had to know more.

The more I found out and the more I listened the more I loved it. Not only was Gwen absolutely gorgeous, she dressed fun and hip and funky. She was self-deprecating. And most importantly, she acted real. She had faults and owned up to them. She was also the first female musician I’d seen who didn’t use her sexuality to sell records. She came across as the cool chick you sat on the back row with in study hall and cracked jokes with. I was entering the holy terror of a minefield known as adolescence, that magical time when girls become mortal enemies for no apparent reason. I was super distrustful of any member of my own gender, but here was a girl I could totally have been friends with, in my wee little head.

The music was also fresh and punchy. It didn’t make me depressed. Not even ‘Don’t Speak.’ It always felt like your best friend showing up with a pint of ice cream and a cheesy movie after a bad breakup. Their music also opened doors to other bands I would come to know and love like 311 and Sublime. Plus, THEY HAD TRUMPETS!!! TRUMPETS!!

Another reason I adored them is that their albums always sounded different. I can tell the difference between ‘Tragic Kingdom’ and ‘Return of Saturn.’ There’s absolutely no confusion as to what album ‘Hey Baby’ belongs. That’s the same reason I loved SP. There’s a signature sound, but they always mix it up and make it fresh and interesting.

I must confess, however, that there was a time when I forsaked my love for No Doubt. At summer camp, no one but me liked them. So I lied and said I didn’t either. Yes, it was wrong and I am deeply ashamed. Now, I don’t care who knows it!

Another reason to love them? TONY KANAL IS HOT. There, I said it. Could this be why I dig Indian guys now? It’s a distinct possibility!

Moving along, since I simply lack the energy to break down their entire catalog, I’m gonna hit the high notes. This is in no particular order, of course.

‘Spiderwebs’: Um, DUH! This totally reminded me of this guy who had the biggest crush on me starting in, like, the 6th grade. ‘Don’t have the courage inside me, to tell you please let me be’ was pretty much my thoughts on the matter. I really wanted the chorus as my answering machine message when I moved out on my own. You do remember the chorus, don’t you? Need me to sing it for you? Gladly! ‘Sorry I’m not home right now, I’m walking in the spiderwebs, so leave a message and I’ll call you back, unlikely story, but leave a message and I’ll call you back’

‘Just a Girl’: So many reasons to love this. One, it was in Clueless. Fuck, I loved that movie. Also, ‘The moment that I step outside, so many reasons to run and hide, can’t do the little things I hold so dear, cause it’s all those little things that I fear.’ Who the hell didn’t feel like that growing up? And what woman still doesn’t from time to time? ‘My apologies, what I’ve become is so burdensome’ I sing that line in my head every time I have to buy tampons, fuss with birth control or any of the myriad of bull shit that comes with being a chick.

‘Sixteen’: God, I love this one. There’s so much that sucks about growing up, ESPECIALLY if you’re female. This sorta made it like, ‘Hey, you’re supposed to be acting out! You’re 16!’ That’s comforting. ‘Well, you’re only 16 with a lot to say, but they won’t give you the time of day.’ Ah, memories.

‘Sunday Morning’: The more experience I gain, the more I find myself relating to this song. When I first heard it, I just liked it for the music. Now, I get it. Oh boy, do I get it. ‘Sappy pathetic little me, that was the girl I used to be, you had me on my knees.’ There’s a joke there, but I won’t. However, my favorite is, ‘You came in with the breeze, on Sunday morning, you sure have changed since yesterday, without any warning.’ Again, who hasn’t been there?!

‘Don’t Speak’: This was everyone’s breakup song in 1997, right? I loved it. Although I’ve never been through a breakup, I’m sure I will crank this shit up LOUD. Like I said earlier, this song is like your best friend coming over with your favorite ice cream and a cheesy flick full of man candy. ‘Don’t speak, I know what you’re thinking, and I don’t need your reasons, don’t tell me cause it hurts.’ Like I said, I’ve never been through a breakup, but holy shit. I love this video as well. And I want her blue dress. BADLY.

‘Tragic Kingdom’: I always loved this, but wasn’t sure what it was about, til mom clued me in. Nice back hand to Disney, kids. I LOVE IT. The reason I didn’t get it was because we were in fact poor and I’ve never been to either theme park. Bite me. ‘The parade that’s electrical, it serves no real purpose, just takes up a lot of juice just to impress us.’ I had a much deeper, more esoteric and symbolic explanation of this, but I was of course 13 and full of shit. And, um, is it wrong that I kinda think ‘Welcome to the Tragic Kingdom’ might be awesome printed on a doormat?

‘Oi to the World’: OK, so it’s a cover. And it was on a Christmas album. I DO NOT CARE! This is on my list of favorite Holiday songs, right next to ‘Ho Ho Fucking Ho’ and MCR’s cover of ‘All I Want for Christmas is You.’ Sing it with me! ‘If God came down on Christmas day, I know exactly what he’d say, he’d say ‘Oi’ to the Punks, ‘Oi’ to the Skins, ‘Oi’ to the world and everybody wins.’

‘Hella Good’: Thank you, No Doubt, for giving this tiny bit of SoCal slang to the rest of us. We do appreciate it. I work ‘hella’ into conversation as much as possible. Because I am, in fact, awesome. ‘You got me feeling hella good, so let’s just keep on dancing.’ One of my many missions in life is to find a guy who makes me want to sing that all. the. time. I’m still looking unfortunately. Oh, and the beat to this should be friggin’ criminal.

‘Hey Baby’: Try to listen this and not want to burst into dance. I dare you! It’s impossible! ‘Hey baby, hey baby, hey!’ Oh come on, you know you like it.

‘Underneath it All’: Another song I would like to be able to sing to a dude at some point in my lifetime. Sigh. ‘You’re really lovely, underneath it all, and you want to love me, underneath it all, I’m really lucky, underneath it all, and you’re really lovely.’ Again, sigh.

‘Ex-Girlfriend’: I’m totally feeling this song right now. Granted, I was in no way a girlfriend, but um, ya know, it still hurts. ‘Why’d you have to go and pick me, when you knew that we were different, completely.’ Yes! What she said! More good advice from Gwen: ‘I find myself trying to change you, if you were meant to be my lover I wouldn’t have to.’ Heed these words, ladies!

‘Simple Kind of Life’: I feel this one a lot lately too. Sometimes I’m all ‘Yay being single! Yay career!’ Then I come home to an empty apartment after a shitty day at work and I’m like ‘Yeah, this is great.’ The line that surely means me and Gwen are really long lost sisters: ‘Like a sick domestic abuser, looking for a fight.’ There’s shit you do even though you know you shouldn’t, but you just can’t help it. ‘All the simple things are simply too complicated for my life.‘ Yeah, again, what she said.

‘Bathwater’: My mom to this day does not get this song, and is frankly a little grossed out by it. I fucking love it. Though I’ve never been in a steady relationship, I know from infatuation. ‘Why do the good girls, always want the bad boys?’ I have no fucking clue! And I’d really like to know! My other favorite: ‘I know I’m diving into my own destruction.’ The drag queen in the video was the lovely, sparkling, FABULOUS icing on the cake.

‘New’: This song is how I feel every time I get a new crush. That exhilarating feeling every time you hear their name or see them. And holy God if they come to stand next to you! Yeah, I’m in that place a lot. ‘Don’t let it go away, this feeling has got to stay’ is my favorite. This was also on the soundtrack for a movie called ‘Go.’ It was one of my favorite movies when I was wee little teenager.

‘Trapped in a Box’: I love Gwen’s voice in this one. And I do love that it’s about TV. ‘Light only enters through a crack or a hole, this is not enough for a human to grow.’ Love! Oh, and the guitar parts are insanely and unexpectedly awesome.

‘It’s My Life’: Another cover, but still so much awesome. ‘Funny how I blind myself,’ I have no idea what she’s talking about. I NEVER do that. Ever! *cough*

At some point, I’ll get to Gwen’s solo stuff. Not tonight though. I’m going to listen to ‘Spiderwebs’ and think happy thoughts!!

OK. To be fair, I was born in ‘84 so my cognizant memories of the actual ’80s are few and far between. BUT, the music? Well, that transcends all generations.

Amazon had this crazy sale going on for their MP3s (Thanks for the tip, Sheena!) and I got a live version of ‘If you Leave’ by Orchestral Manuevers in the Dark for gratis. I know what you’re thinking, does anyone honestly NEED a live version of ‘If you Leave’? Well, no. But, my life is all the richer now that I have it.

What’s even funnier is that the ’80s music I absolutely adore now, my mom COULD NOT STAND while it was out. Duran Duran? Yeah, Mom hated them. Madonna and Prince were welcome in our house, but Simon Lebon? Nope. Mom was more of a Dire Straits fan. Of course, I am too, so there ya go.

Another example, The Cure. Robert Smith is a god in my eyes. Mom’s take? ‘Wait, is that another one of those boys who wears makeup?’

As far as Dad’s concerned, Bob Seger is the only musician who has ever recorded.

Let’s not let that stop us! Here are my favorite ’80s songs. Feel free to chime in with yours!

‘Hungry Like the Wolf’ by Duran Duran: I absolutely adore Duran Duran. This song is kinda mine and Sheena’s (in a completely hetero way, ya’ll). When we were training at The DM, we would drive around Oxford playing this song. It was so fucking fun. I gotta thank Mr. Billy Corgan for asking the all-important question (’Have you been Lebon-ed?’) on his blog and inspiring the Duran Duran love. ‘Mouth is alive, juice is like wine, and I’m hungry like the wolf’ YES! Love it! OK, now for why my mom hates this song. Some lady decided to shoot her three children, killing two of them, and this song was playing while she did it. Mom was both a cop and a mother at the time and she was not happy about it. See also: ‘Reflex’ and ‘Ordinary World’

‘Little Red Corvette’ by Prince: OK, if you’re not sure what the title refers to, let me burst your bubble: IT’S ABOUT A VAGINA. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s focus on how awesome this song is. Prince is the master of nasty, nasty songs. For that alone, he deserves musical sainthood. From the slinky beats, the insane falsetto, the heavy breathing and well, the lyrics, the whole thing is just marvelous. You will never have more fun singing a song about a vagina. Trust. ‘But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it all right, you say what have I got to lose’ What he said. See Also: ‘1999′ and ‘When Doves Cry’

‘Under Pressure’ by Queen with David Bowie: Queen and David Bowie. David Bowie and Queen. PERFECTION. You tried to cheese it up Vanilla Ice, but this is a friggin’ amazing piece of music. Freddy Mercury’s soaring falsetto, David Bowie and his bad ass self. The music starts as a hum, winds up into a frenzied flourish and ends with in a hum. ‘Cause love’s such an old fashioned word, and love dares you to care, for the people on the edge of the night, and love dares you to change our way of, caring about ourselves, this is our last dance, this our last dance, this is ourselves, under pressure’ Fabulous.

‘Dancing with Myself’ by Billy Idol: *snicker* This is about masturbation, right? Or did I just make that up? Either way , I really do like to dance to this song. Who doesn’t love Billy Idol? Even though I really should have picked ‘Rebel Yell’ this is a fun song. ‘So lets sink another drink, ’cause it’ll give me time to think’ is my favorite line, even though I don’t actually drink, like ever. See Also: ‘White Wedding’ and ‘Rebel Yell’

‘Don’t you Want me?’ by Human League: If I ever find a suitable karaoke partner of the male persuasion, this will be our jam. I am convinced. Until then, my shower and hairbrush will have to suffice. Just try not to sing along with the chorus: ‘Don’t you want me, baby, don’t you want me, ohhhhhh’

‘Just can’t get Enough’ by Depeche Mode: Last October, when I was visiting those little people I call nephews, I was watching Barney with the little one (Don’t judge!), and the song the kids were singing sounded really familiar. Then it hit me. They were singing bastardized version of this song. It was bizarre in the best possible way. My friend KAK reminded me that it could have been worse; they could have been singing ‘Personal Jesus.’ This song occasionally comes on in the car, and yes, I sing along. I have no shame. ‘When I’m with you, baby, I go out of my head, and I just can’t get enough’ Yup, that always makes me smile.

‘Dancing in the Dark’ by Bruce Springsteen: BRRRRUUUUUUUUCE. That felt good. Please ignore the video for this. It’s hideous. The Boss and a young Courtney Cox dance the traditional dance of the Causasians. It’s tragic. This song, however, is amazing. My favorite line: ‘You can’t start a fire, worrying about your little world falling apart, this gun’s for hire, even if we’re just dancing in the dark.’ See Also: HIS ENTIRE FUCKING CATALOG.

‘Just Like Heaven’ by The Cure: Remember what I said about Robert Smith being a god? Yeah, this is why. This is what happens when Goth kids fall in love. So, so sweet, but with a bit of darkness thrown in for good measure. ‘I found myself alone, alone, alone above the raging sea, stole the only girl I loved, and drowned her deep inside of me’ SWOON. See Also: ‘The End of The World’ ‘Friday I’m in Love’ and AFI’s cover of ‘Just Like Heaven.’

There a ton of others that are well worth a listen. Anything by Cyndi Lauper, especially ‘She Bop’ and ‘Girls just Wanna Have Fun,’ any and everything Cher put out and a gajillion one hit wonders.

There are some noticable absences. ‘Relax’ by Frankie Goes to Hollywood? Yeah, I can’t stand that song.

For the past two days I’ve been listening to ‘CexCells’ by Blaqk Audio to the exclusion of all others. I really have to be in the mood for electronic music, and I guess I’ve been in the proper mood. I bought the album when it first came out but didn’t really listen to it. Then I listened to bits and pieces and I’ve finally broke down and listened to the whole thing front to back. AMAZING.

It’s been really soothing these past few days when I’ve been ever so close to either a nervous breakdown or a castrating rampage. That’s right, I said castrating. Stupid Boy. Anyway, it’s also making me want to get up and dance, and nothing makes me want to get up and dance. Seriously. It’s also great music to design along with. It makes the inanity easier to swallow.

Musically, it’s great. The beats are so much fun and Davey’s really doing some creative things with his singing. I was unaware he could croon. I love it. There are some pared down slow burners mixed in with some decadent flourishes. Like I said, LOVE.

To prove my devotion, here’s a song by song breakdown:

‘Stiff Kittens’: The visual image I get from this is different step teams on roller skates just straight up breaking it down. Is that weird? Lyrically, my favorite part is, ‘If you show me heaven, I will meet you there.’

‘Between Breaths (An XX Perspective)’: There is sooooo much to love about this one. Davey singing about naughty things? Yes, please, keep going. The beats of the song are so slinky and sexy. It’s not stripper music; it’s fuck music. ‘Please Please Please, don’t take it, take it easy on me, just make it, make it, make it harder to breathe, so I climb on top and I’ll never stop til I make you forget who you are.’ Um yeah, what he said. Sweet Jesus.

‘Snuff on Digital’: The beat of this song makes me want to dance, run, fuck or some combination thereof. The chorus is one of those aforementioned flourishes that erases everything from your brain and leaves behind only the urge to move. ‘Immobile lights will fly tonight, We’ll watch them pass together as we part the rising sky, I won’t die without you, These breathtaking heights lend sparkling sights, But we won’t fall forever, Tightly bound we’ll chase the ground, I won’t die without you.’ That makes me happy.

‘Bitter for Sweet’: This is a little more industrial sounding. Lyrically it’s also a bit darker. Example: ‘How deep must we cut, to reach sensation.’ Of course, I’m not the Daily Mail so I know that dark lyrics do not a suicide death cult make. The last quarter of this song is the cherry on the cake. I love those really fast, up-tempo hooks. I think I might have been a raver in a past life.

‘Where Would You Like Them Left?’: I consider this one a slow burner. It’s not really danceable; it’s more sit back and chill. May favorite line ‘It’s a lot to take, but they won’t find us, it’s a lot to take I know, I know, it’s a lot to face, but pay no mind, cause this is how we’re made you know, and so’ mainly because he sings it in this sexy little whisper that is almost unbearable.

‘The Fear of Being Found’: This is a dreamy little pop song. I love it. Those flourishes I mentioned? Full of them. It’s so very soothing. ‘Could I change one thing?, Could I change your mind?, Shall we burn it just like the last time?, I can’t change a thing, can’t explain why I never felt it, Not even the first time,’ feels oddly relevant to me, even though I don’t like The Boy muddling with my Blaqk Audio listening experience.

‘On a Friday’: I design like a motherfucker to this song. Seriously, when I need to kick ass and take names and get a shit ton of pages out in record time, this is the jam. If I weren’t usually at work, I’d totally be dancing along with this. Oh, and because Davey’s apparently in my head and knows my shit before I do, there’s this little gem of a lyric: ‘Did he want you? Did you want to? Did you question what it meant to you, With a beat between your breaths?’ And at about the 3 minute mark, it takes all my willpower not to burst out into song and dance. That’d be embarrassing.

‘The Love Letter’: This mixes industrial and dreamy and it is a beautiful thing. Favorite line? ‘Walk right through me, I’m not really there.’ This is also fuck music. ‘What I’ll never show, what you’ll never find, is explosive, so hide your eyes.’ Again, Davey, get outta my head, sir!

‘Semiotic Love’: To quote Sprockets: ‘Now is the time on Sprockets vhen ve dance!’ Again, had I not been at work, I would have burst into a horrible techno dance. ‘I’ll stand forever, and love whatever, breaks my heart’ and ‘Just say goodbye, I live and I’ll die, hooked on a star, enraptured by the sky, in love with a satellite’ make me unbearably happy.

‘Cities of Night’: I love the beat to this. It’s another kinda chill one and works as a great follow up to ‘Semiotic Love.’ This also provides my new favorite lyric: ‘Will you live in hope, or dark desire, what can I say, oh, fuck love give me fire.’ Preach, good sir — PREACH! Because I’m a newspaper nerd ‘We’ll shine this time, we’ll make headlines’ makes me smile.

‘Again, Again and Again’: I fucking love this. The beat is awesome. It’s that fast-paced, thumping rhythm that doesn’t let up. Fabulous. Oh and the chorus: ‘What’ll it take for you to surrender, I gave you a taste oh how you’ve grown, this great trial, this self denial, it’s a trial to leave you clean, because I like it dark and low, you know’ LOVE. Oh, and they were smart enough to leave that last serial comma off. YAY!

‘Wake Up, Open the Door and Escape to the Sea’: This is just beautiful. Try to listen to this and not want to grab a sweetheart and cuddle like a mother fucker. ‘But, oh, My, my, you’re oh so sly, Let’s leave unsaid, What’s left unspoken, And oh, my boy, You’re oh so coy, Let’s just pretend, That nothing’s broken.’ All right Davey, I give up. You’re obviously reading my thoughts, setting them to a techno beat and making me fucking like it. You win.

Work schedule shenanigans prevent me from doing an in-depth post about ‘Twilight’ or Adore and I desperately need to get to those at some point.

However, can someone please explain dudes to me. I really don’t get them. AT. ALL. OK, I should say there’s just one in particular that stumps me. Otherwise known simply as The Boy, he’s well-known with my two besties. And they both think he’s an asshole. Yeah, they’re probably right. Whatever.

Anyway, I’ve known this dude since mid-March. He has this habit of coming around to play and then disappearing. I haven’t heard from him in weeks, then at about 8:30ish this morning I hear a rapping on my window. WTF, I say. No one wakes me up at that hour. Even Mom’s learned not to do that. Lo and behold, it’s The Boy. We hook up, he makes plans for later in the day, like an idiot I plan my day around it and now I’m sitting here waiting for a text message that’s not going to come. Yes, this is one of many proud moments where The Boy is concerned.

So to drown my confusion (and, I’ll admit it, sorrows), I’m baking. And it’s not going over so well. Instead of tofu as an egg replacer, I used ground flax seeds. This was a bad idea. I think I’m just going to break down and buy that damn egg replacer every vegan site I go to raves about. I can find a use for the flax seeds and tofu I guess.

However, I did have a fun food find today. Success 10-minute brown rice in portabello flavor. So friggin’ good. Probably unhealthier than I care to admit, but whatever. I miss rice. Weight Watchers has some evil vendetta against rice, but I love the shit. I also bought some whole wheat pasta today and as soon as I order some nutritional yeast, I’m going to try out this mac and cheese recipe I found.

Then to add to the fun and adventure, I dropped one of my roommate’s bowls as I was unloading the dishwasher and one of the shards gigged me good. Little bastard cut my hand in four places. I am unamused. I also burnt my hand taking my last batch of cookies out of the oven. I am a walking comedy of errors. Oh, and I haven’t done my laundry yet, and I don’t have a stitch of clean clothes. Yup, I’m killing ‘em today.

I was supposed to work out today, which I haven’t done in WEEKS, but considering it’s a quarter til 9 and I still have laundry to do, I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

It hasn’t all been bad though. I finally gave in to the siren call of Flyleaf and downloaded ‘All Around Me.’ I saw them live at Memphis in May and was kinda ambivalent about them until the end of their set when the singer decided to start getting preachy. I hate that shit. I don’t often get all ‘Shut up and sing!’ but I don’t like being preached at. But the radio stations around here kept playing the shit out of that song so I finally surrendered.

I also listened all the way through Blaqk Audio’s album again. God, it is fucking great. I really have to be in the mood for electronic music, even if it is boys from AFI. Today, I was apparently in the mood. ‘Again, Again and Again’ might very well have unseated ‘Where Would You Like Them Left?’ as my favorite off the record. It’d be a great motivator to exercise if I still had the will.

As far as exercise goes, I’m just bored to death with the treadmill and the elliptical does horrible things to my muscles. I’ve tried the DDR, but I suck at it so I’ll be at it for about five minutes before I get pissed off and give up. I’m seriously looking into this Wii Fit thing. But I don’t want to drop $90 on something for it to end up like DDR and Guitar Hero (which I’ve only played with twice since I bought it; I’m really a terrible person).

First off, my nephews are spending time with Mom right now in Virginia and Mom sent me this wonderful shot.

Aren’t they cute?! Zachary, 8, is on the left and Tristan, 5, is on the right. They rock!

Baking News: I broke down and bought a vegan brownie mix and just subbed in ingredients. Yes, it’s cheating; no, I don’t care. Of course, the fuckers turned out perfect. Whatever, I have brownies!

Nom nom nom.

I also spent the better part of my weekend (your weekend is probably Saturday and Sunday like nature intended. Nope, not me. I go against nature and have Wednesday and Thursday off. For now.) designing a cookbook. It covers only vegan baked goods and a few breakfast items like waffles and French toast. It also features photos of Davey Havok with captions courtesy of my loser self. Keep in mind these are recipes I found elsewhere and tweaked to my liking. Note to vegans: Stop using so much oil!!!

Take a look!

I’ve been meaning to continue my deconstruction of The Smashing Pumpkins catalog, but I’ve been too busy to devote the time it richly deserves. I’m going to be skipping Gish, because, well, I don’t care for Gish. Sorry. Adore will most likely be the next album I tackle. I’m gonna wedge a few takes from Pisces Iscariot in there at some point.

Until then, enjoy this clip!

Oh yea, the Twilight review? Yeah, about that. My roommate borrowed the books and I just got Twilight back. I need to give it a good once over before I write the review. I’m so incredibly excited for the movie and I’m absolutely distressed over the new book. I just know the author’s gonna make Bella do something stupid, I just know it!

But enough of that; how fucking sexy is Edward in this clip?!

I just finished reading the first three books of the Twilight Series by Stephanie Meyer. It was amazing. But I’m saving my big critique until Sheena finishes them so I don’t spoil everything.

However, since I’ve finished them and the final installment is still months away, I’ve been lackadaisical. I realize it’s because I connected with the characters on such a level that having them gone is like having your best friend just up and move away without saying goodbye.

In honor of that unsettled feeling, here are the songs I like to listen to when I’m in that melancholy, I-miss-my-friends mood.

‘Olala’ by Sensation Junkies: My favorite line from this is ‘I may not amount to much more than a smile and a memory.’ It always reminds me of the friends who have come and gone who really are no more than a smile and a memory. I know I’m little more than that to some people. But that’s life, right?

‘Lonely Day’ by System of a Down: Surprisingly emo for them, but still really good. The line ‘And if you go, I want to go with you, and if you die, I want to die with you, take your hand and walk away’ always makes me misty. Combine haunting vocals, intricate and flowing guitar work and heady lyrics and you have the perfect tearjerker from a band not known for tearjerkers.

‘Feel it Now’ by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club: I literally just heard this song. It was playing during the wind down of BONES. I may or may not have started crying. A few choice lines: ‘I’m on my own, I’m sure I’ll feel it now’ and ‘I leave myself behind in pieces, I know you’ll need them when I’m gone’

‘The Days of the Phoenix’ by AFI: OK, so AFI never fails to make me feel better about life in general. The video for this song is crazy distracting because the cameraman feels the need to zoom in on Davey’s crotch every five seconds. Some of my favorite lines are ‘I fell into yesterday, our dreams seemed not far away, I want to, I want to, I want to stay, I fell into a fantasy’ and ‘Nothing could touch us then, no one could change us then, and everyone was dancing, nothing could hurt us then, no one could see us then, and everyone was dancing’

‘At the Stars’ by Better Than Ezra: This was one of my favorite songs while I was in Chicago, when I actually had a shore to consider. I was also in a quasi maybe might be a relationship with a dude I met on the Web. Yeah, that was a proud moment. My favorite lines are still, ‘I’ve already found that everybody loves to love you when you’re far away’ and ‘Blame us because we are who are, hate us because you’ll never get that far’

‘Snow (Hey Oh)’ by the Red Hot Chili Peppers: You cannot be sad while listening to this song. It is impossible. I feel all happy and bouncy. And I sing along. LOUDLY. The line ‘When I sit alone, come get a little know, but I need more than myself this time’ always reminds me that it’s totally OK to bitch to my friends. They’ll love me regardless.

I’m a terrible blogger. Really I am.

It’s been a crazy past couple of weeks and I don’t really have anything interesting to report. So, I shall retreat to my last refuge of writer’s block: MUSIC LIST!

The theme: Songs to sing when a love interest has pissed  you off! Without going in to detail about my situation, suffice it to say, I’m an unhappy penguin.

So, let’s begin!

‘You Make me Feel Like a Whore’ by Everclear: My love for Art knows no bounds. ‘Some day I’ll teach you to beg’ and ‘Take your word like it was gospel, I’m so eager to please, yeah I like it when you talk to me’ are so very relevant to my current situation. As well as the chorus, ‘You make me feel like a whore.’

‘Thnks Fr Th Mmrs’ by Fall Out Boy: So, it’s a little dramatic given my situation, but I’m a drama queen so deal with it. ‘One night and one more time, thanks for the memories, even though they weren’t so great, it tastes like you, only sweeter’ sticks with me because I’m going to remember that one thing for the rest of my life even though it’s kinda meh right now. I figure with age and time I’ll look back and cackle like hell. Oh, and I like to jump on my bed and sing this song into my cell phone antenna.

‘Irreplaceable’ by Beyonce: I really hate her, but I do think this song will be this generation’s ‘I Will Survive.’ ‘You must not know about me, I can have another you in a minute, matter of fact he’ll be here in a minute,’ should be part of every woman’s repertoire. I’m currently working up the cojones to add it to my own. And to dudes who might be reading this: ‘Don’t you ever for a second get to thinking, you’re irreplaceable.’

‘Dammit’ by Blink-182: This anthem has served me well since junior high. ‘A day late, a buck short, I’m writing the report, on losing and failing, when I move I’m flailing’ and ‘And it’s happen once again, I’ll turn to a friend, someone who understands and sees through the master plan, but everybody’s gone, and I’ve been here for too long, to face this on my own, well I guess this is growing up,’ are pretty much me in all my immature glory. It also makes me realize that relationships don’t actually change from what they were like at 14.

‘Say My Name’ by Destiny’s Child: ‘You acting kinda shady, ain’t calling me baby, why the sudden change’ and ‘First of all, let me say, that I am not the one to sit around and be played’. To which I say, PREACH.

‘Miserable’ by Lit: ‘You make me come, you make me complete, you make me completely miserable.’ Well, every part but the first two.

‘My Friends Over You’ by New Found Glory: I hoped I’d never have to dust this one off again, but here we are! ‘I’m drunk off your kiss, for another night in a row, this is becoming too routine for me, but I didn’t mean to lead you on’ and, my favorite, ‘You were everything I wanted, but I just can’t finish what I started, there’s no room left here on my back, it was damaged long ago, though you swear that you are true, I’d still pick my friends over you!’ make me smile a smile worthy of the Kool Aid man.

‘Roses’ by Outkast: Yeah, he’s singing about a girl named Caroline, but I’m creative! I’d put a sample lyric, but I can’t without laughing my ass off so, go here http://lyricwiki.org/OutKast:Roses

I made an effort to stay away from sad bastard music because I firmly believe this is nothing to be sad about. One of the splendid things about life is that it goes on, no matter how big, dumb or foolish your mistakes happen to be.

I can say with absolute and complete honesty that the Smashing Pumpkins are far and away my favorite band of all time. Yes, I do have my steamy little dalliances with other bands; it’s currently hot and heavy with A.F.I. But my heart truly belongs to SP. I’ve discussed how I was emo before emo was emo, but it bears repeating: Without the Smashing Pumpkins, there would be no MCR, no Panic! at the Disco and, undoubtedly, no me. Had I not had the Smashing Pumpkins, I would have given up the ghost a long time ago.

In the spirit of nostalgia, I’m going to go through SP’s albums in the order I discovered them (which is not chronological) and discuss what they meant to me.

First up (and you’ve no doubt figured this out merely by reading the post title) is ‘Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.’

I can remember with almost psychotic accuracy how I discovered the Smashing Pumpkins and this record. I was 12. It was really an awkward time for me; I had just started my period a few months earlier (apologies for the TMI) and had just started realizing I was completely different from everyone else my age. I had gone from considering myself just another kid to realizing that, compared to my classmates, I was practically from another planet. I’m not saying I found out I had superpowers or that I was gay or anything, but you know when you’re different. And the moment you realize that you are can be pretty fucking scary.

I was spending the summer at my grandmother’s with my older brother and we were watching MTV. This was the summer of 1996, which was when a number of bands I still love to this day hit big: No Doubt, Bush, Oasis. I was sitting on the floor staring up at the TV when out of nowhere, the video for ‘Tonight, Tonight’ came on. I just sat there utterly amazed. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever experienced. The song itself was mind blowing. It had an orchestra for Christ’s sake! Then there was Billy’s voice. I’d never heard anything like that before in my life. And the lyrics. Here before my adolescent eyes was someone saying not just what I felt deep down, but didn’t have the life experience to say properly, but also exactly what I needed and wanted to hear. The video looked like something out of my most feverish daydreams.

Needless to say, it was love at first sight. The final nail in the coffin came when I saw the video for ‘Bullet with Butterfly Wings.’ It was all over with after that.

I spent every spare moment that summer finding out everything I possibly could about the band. This was before the Internet was readily available so that involved feverishly flipping through every music magazine I could get my grubby little paws on and then begging my parents to buy them for me. I think they were probably mildly frightened that their daughter, who before was only interested in Top 40 radio and Fear Street books, was now attempting to amass a large cache of materials featuring a tall, lanky bald man.

Following through to the natural conclusion, I developed the crush to end all crushes on Billy Corgan. It was borderline unhealthy, I’ll admit it. But I couldn’t help it. Much like Roberta Flack in ‘Killing Me Softly,’ I couldn’t get over the fact that every word he sang felt like it’d been plucked straight from my hormone-addled brain. Add the fact that I was just starting to understand my sexuality to the mix and the hell of junior high and you’ve got one hell of confused-ass kid.

It wasn’t until I started 7th grade that fall that I realized I was going to need this music more than I ever could have imagined. I actually met my then-best friend because of the Smashing Pumpkins. She sat behind me in first period science and we just started talking about the band. By the time we parted ways not long after I left for college, the Smashing Pumpkins would be the only thing we still had in common.

The awkwardness that was only minor before had become full blown by the time I hit 7th grade. The pretenses had been dropped and the gloves had come off where my classmates were concerned and going to school everyday felt like storming the beaches of Normandy. My home life was less than wonderful and loving, so I delved deeper and deeper into music. That’s where I felt safe and loved and understood. The battles only got worse the older I got, but I had the Smashing Pumpkins. School drama and home drama were so much easier to bear knowing that when I got done, I could put on my headphones and, even if only in my own head, be transported somewhere else.

In a way, I feel like it was meant to be that I discovered the Pumpkins at the age I did. I think the universe knew it was going to get ugly for me and wanted me to have something I could hang on to.

Every song on the album means something different to me and has served some various purpose. And because I know you care, here’s a list:

‘Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness’: This song is probably the reason I like classical music now. To this day, it still makes me cry.

‘Tonight, Tonight’: Saved. My. Life. Whenever things got bad and I thought ‘I just can’t do this anymore,’ this would keep me going. Especially the line ‘Believe, that life can change, that you’re not stuck in vain’

‘Jellybelly’: This led me to refer to my high school and hometown as ‘Nowhere Fast.’

‘Zero’: ‘Wanna go for a ride?’ Why yes, yes I did. And, um, still wouldn’t mind.

‘Here is No Why’: ‘In your sad machines, you’ll forever stay, burning up in speed, lost inside the dreams, of teen machines.’ Hi, welcome being 16-fucking-years-old.

‘Bullet with Butterfly Wings’: I grew up in the bible belt, so the Jesus references were just too awesome. And I learned how to head bang to this. And the radio gods must love me because every time I have a shitty day at work, I go to my car, turn on my radio and this song is almost always playing.

‘To Forgive’: This always reminds me of the days (even now) when I just don’t want to get out of bed.

‘An Ode to No One (Fuck you)’: This always made me giddy because he alluded to losing his virginity. I was a teenager! Give me a break!

‘Love’: This was sexy as hell to me.

‘Cupid de Locke’: Cherubs and sparkles and little candy hearts danced around my head during this one. I would just sit there with a goofy expression on my face.

‘Galapagos’: I decided at the age of 13, that the first man with the smarts to either sing this to me or put this on a mix tape would have my heart to my dying day. That offer still stands!

‘Muzzle’: Ladies and gentleman, my anthem from the ages of 13 to at least 20.

‘Porcelina of the Vast Oceans’: I’ve never had to do any mind-altering drugs because this song is musical opium.

‘Take me Down’: No, James Iha, I think not. James was Amanda’s boy anyway.

‘Where Boys Fear to Tread’: He said ‘Lover’ and I got all flustered. I WAS 12!!!!

‘Bodies’: ‘Love’ was sexy; this WAS sex. ‘All my blisters now revealed, in the darkness of my dreams’ put a name to my fears about wanting to love and be loved, but not yet being ready for the vulnerability that goes along with it.

‘Thirty-Three’: This calmed me down like nothing else ever could, and still does.

‘In the Arms of Sleep’: My adolescent self swooned all over this one.

‘1979′: So amazing and innovative, this actually made me consider my own mortality for the first time. The line ‘No one knows, just where our bones will rest, forgotten and absorbed, to the earth below’ made me think, ‘Hey, some day I won’t be here anymore.’ Deep stuff, ya’ll.

‘Tales of a Scorched Earth’: The line ‘Save me from the wasted, save me from myself’ could have lifted from any one of my notebooks.

‘Thru the Eyes of Ruby’: Another musical opiate, this made me drift off into La La Land. I always really liked the line ‘To the revelations of fresh faced youth, no one will come and save you, so speak your peace in the murmurs drawn, but youth is wasted on the young.’

‘Stumbleine’: Reason #238882386438 it’s a good thing I didn’t get pregnant in high school: I would totally have named the resultant offspring Stumbleine, regardless of gender.

‘X.Y.U.’: Another song that threw my newly emerging sexuality into a tailspin. Damn teenage hormones. Oh, and the line ‘I am made of shamrocks, I am made of stern stuff, I am never enough, I am the forgotten child’ really did it for me.

‘We Only Come out at Night’: This reminded me of my best friend at the time. It still does.

‘Beautiful’: Swoon. That’s all I can say really. ‘I’ll be under your stars forever, neither here nor there, just right beside you.’ *sigh*

‘Lily, My One and Only’: Songs about infatuation always make me happy, even now. Not that I’m prone to them or anything, ahem.

‘By Starlight’: This always struck me as a very dark love song, but that’s why I loved it. Love isn’t unicorns and rainbows for everyone.

‘Farewell and Goodnight’: I loved that it was all of them singing (Jimmy sings!!). And I really liked the line ‘The sun shines, but I don’t, a silver rain will wash away.’

I wanted to live blog the Grammy Awards, but I had to work, so you’ll get an illustrated version! (All photos by The Associated Press. The photos are huge so my apologies in advance.)

It was the 50th anniversary of the Grammy Awards so duets abounded. Alicia Keys opened up with a duet with a holographic (I assume) Frank Sinatra. Kanye West and Daft Punk, also kicked it; and Rihanna and Morris Day were pitch perfect. There was head spinning for goodness’ sake! Some of the performances were a disappointment. The ode to the Beatles left me cold. But the performances ran the gamut and nearly every genre got some representation. Oh, and I would kill for Carrie Underwood’s boots.

First off: The fashions!

Nelly Furtado, radiant as always. Not really feeling the blonde hair though.

Fergie looks lovely! But, um, does anyone else think her boobs look like a rear end?

Faith Hill, ever the lady.

Um, why?

Love the color. Love the fabric. Love the design. Love the girl.

I have no idea who she is, but I want to have her babies. Or at least borrow that dress.

Pretty color, but I don’t like high necks on her.

I can say nothing other than, ‘Play on, Playette.’

Amazingly, I don’t hate this.

Living legend + creative dress = LURVE.

Oh, Cyndi; how do I love thee?

I shouldn’t, but I love this.

Another case of ‘Play on, Playette.’ Chaka Kahn wears what Chaka Kahn wants.

When I grow up, I want to be Cher.

That little string is holding back a whole lot of Aretha, but rawk on!

My heart ached for her modesty; but the color is beautiful.

The Funky One never fails to amaze me.

Now, the performances and acceptance speeches!

This was just amazing. I did not have high hopes for Beyonce, and I swore if she oversang ‘Proud Mary’ there would be hell to pay. Tina was a goddess, as always.

The Foo Fighters can do no wrong.

And the award hander outer people agreed!

LOVED IT! Prince and Morris Day in one night. Oh the ’80s.

I was really pissed at Kanye for sampling Daft Punk, but this quelled my ill will.

And awards soon followed. As much as I wanted to smile and be happy, the blinky jacket and stupid sunglasses kept distracting me.

This made me misty eyed. Seriously.

I HAAAAATTEEE John Mayer, but roll on Alicia Keys, roll on.

Legends, legends, legends everywhere!!

My girl Amy tore it up. She looks so glowy and healthy and definitely smirked her way through ‘Rehab.’ And the beehive? To. Die. For.

This was the highlight of my evening. GO AMY!!!