Hannah

I hate Valentine’s Day with a fiery, fiery passion. Yeah, the candy’s awesome and sure, sometimes my parents send me flowers, but by the by, it always serves to remind me of my chronically single condition.

Today on the radio, you’ll no doubt be hearing Valentine’s dedications: ‘This Michael Bolton hit goes out to Pookie McPookerkins from Buttercup.’ VOMIT.

So, in the spirit of being single, Here’s a list of Anti-Valentine’s songs and after that you’ll find my very own Valentine’s dedications. Some will be sweet, others will be snarky, it’s up to you to determine which is which.

Love Stinks! The Playlist:

‘Cheating gets it Faster’ by Jimmy Eat World: ‘I’m going out, I don’t care if you’re angry’ makes me deliriously happy.

‘Ain’t that Lonely Yet’ by Dwight Yoakam: ‘You keep leaving, notes stuck on my door, say you’re hungry for some more, girl that’s too bad’ Yeah, if you’ve pissed him off so bad he won’t even hit it, you’ve done something WRONG.

‘Crop Tub’ by A.F.I.: Who hasn’t wanted to tell someone ‘Fuck you very much.’

‘Song for the Dumped’ by Ben Folds Five: Parting may be such sweet sorrow, but getting your stuff back after a break up sounds like a pain in the ass.

‘(Fuck You) An Ode to No One’ by The Smashing Pumpkins: Yup, you were thinking it and Billy just came right out and said it. Make sure you thank him.

‘Violet’ by Hole: Speaking of Billy! I love it when Courtney growls, ‘I told you from the start, just how this would end, well I get what I want, but I never want it again’

‘Irreplacable’ by Beyonce: This was a hard sell because I cannot stand Beyonce, but holy crap I like this song. I think the line ‘You must not know about me’ should be part of every woman’s break-up repertoire.

‘You Give Love a Bad Name’ by Bon Jovi: Not only is it great karoake fodder, everyone knows at least one chick like the one in the song.

‘Drinking my Baby Goodbye’ by The Charlie Daniels Band: Though I’m not one for tying one on, I will raise a glass of Diet Mountain Dew in solidarity with the following line: ‘If it takes all night, I’m gonna do it right, I’m gonna sit here til I can’t see.’

‘Sounds Better in the Song’ by Drive-by Truckers: I always feel sorry for this song’s protagonist, especially considering the following lines: ‘She used to dream ‘em with me, every single crazy one, til they started hurting her too, now she’s got some of her own, and outgrowing me might be the best thing for her she’s ever done’ and ‘Now she’s found herself, and I lost mine, and I’m just another guy who can’t give her anything’

‘Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)’ by Green Day: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is not a graduation song, please stop trying to force it! It seems like one of those breakups where there are no hard feelings, it just didn’t work out. Example: ‘For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while.’

‘Miserable’ by Lit: ‘You make me come, you make me complete, you make me completely miserable’ LOVE. IT.

‘Fall Back Down’ by Rancid: A punk song about friends helping you out after a break up! And, um, I kinda want to have Tim Armstrong’s babies.

And now, dedications!

To Sheena: ‘Baby Got Back’ by Sir Mix a Lot, ‘Hungry Like the Wolf’ by Duran Duran and ‘Tonight, Tonight’ by The Smashing Pumpkins. The DM rocked didn’t it?

To Davey Havok: ‘Between Breaths (An XX Perspective) by Blaqk Audio. When and where, lover boy.

To the sports department: ‘Pretty fly (for a white guy)’ by The Offspring. Don’t give up, boys!!