Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

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I can say with absolute and complete honesty that the Smashing Pumpkins are far and away my favorite band of all time. Yes, I do have my steamy little dalliances with other bands; it’s currently hot and heavy with A.F.I. But my heart truly belongs to SP. I’ve discussed how I was emo before emo was emo, but it bears repeating: Without the Smashing Pumpkins, there would be no MCR, no Panic! at the Disco and, undoubtedly, no me. Had I not had the Smashing Pumpkins, I would have given up the ghost a long time ago.

In the spirit of nostalgia, I’m going to go through SP’s albums in the order I discovered them (which is not chronological) and discuss what they meant to me.

First up (and you’ve no doubt figured this out merely by reading the post title) is ‘Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.’

I can remember with almost psychotic accuracy how I discovered the Smashing Pumpkins and this record. I was 12. It was really an awkward time for me; I had just started my period a few months earlier (apologies for the TMI) and had just started realizing I was completely different from everyone else my age. I had gone from considering myself just another kid to realizing that, compared to my classmates, I was practically from another planet. I’m not saying I found out I had superpowers or that I was gay or anything, but you know when you’re different. And the moment you realize that you are can be pretty fucking scary.

I was spending the summer at my grandmother’s with my older brother and we were watching MTV. This was the summer of 1996, which was when a number of bands I still love to this day hit big: No Doubt, Bush, Oasis. I was sitting on the floor staring up at the TV when out of nowhere, the video for ‘Tonight, Tonight’ came on. I just sat there utterly amazed. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever experienced. The song itself was mind blowing. It had an orchestra for Christ’s sake! Then there was Billy’s voice. I’d never heard anything like that before in my life. And the lyrics. Here before my adolescent eyes was someone saying not just what I felt deep down, but didn’t have the life experience to say properly, but also exactly what I needed and wanted to hear. The video looked like something out of my most feverish daydreams.

Needless to say, it was love at first sight. The final nail in the coffin came when I saw the video for ‘Bullet with Butterfly Wings.’ It was all over with after that.

I spent every spare moment that summer finding out everything I possibly could about the band. This was before the Internet was readily available so that involved feverishly flipping through every music magazine I could get my grubby little paws on and then begging my parents to buy them for me. I think they were probably mildly frightened that their daughter, who before was only interested in Top 40 radio and Fear Street books, was now attempting to amass a large cache of materials featuring a tall, lanky bald man.

Following through to the natural conclusion, I developed the crush to end all crushes on Billy Corgan. It was borderline unhealthy, I’ll admit it. But I couldn’t help it. Much like Roberta Flack in ‘Killing Me Softly,’ I couldn’t get over the fact that every word he sang felt like it’d been plucked straight from my hormone-addled brain. Add the fact that I was just starting to understand my sexuality to the mix and the hell of junior high and you’ve got one hell of confused-ass kid.

It wasn’t until I started 7th grade that fall that I realized I was going to need this music more than I ever could have imagined. I actually met my then-best friend because of the Smashing Pumpkins. She sat behind me in first period science and we just started talking about the band. By the time we parted ways not long after I left for college, the Smashing Pumpkins would be the only thing we still had in common.

The awkwardness that was only minor before had become full blown by the time I hit 7th grade. The pretenses had been dropped and the gloves had come off where my classmates were concerned and going to school everyday felt like storming the beaches of Normandy. My home life was less than wonderful and loving, so I delved deeper and deeper into music. That’s where I felt safe and loved and understood. The battles only got worse the older I got, but I had the Smashing Pumpkins. School drama and home drama were so much easier to bear knowing that when I got done, I could put on my headphones and, even if only in my own head, be transported somewhere else.

In a way, I feel like it was meant to be that I discovered the Pumpkins at the age I did. I think the universe knew it was going to get ugly for me and wanted me to have something I could hang on to.

Every song on the album means something different to me and has served some various purpose. And because I know you care, here’s a list:

‘Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness’: This song is probably the reason I like classical music now. To this day, it still makes me cry.

‘Tonight, Tonight’: Saved. My. Life. Whenever things got bad and I thought ‘I just can’t do this anymore,’ this would keep me going. Especially the line ‘Believe, that life can change, that you’re not stuck in vain’

‘Jellybelly’: This led me to refer to my high school and hometown as ‘Nowhere Fast.’

‘Zero’: ‘Wanna go for a ride?’ Why yes, yes I did. And, um, still wouldn’t mind.

‘Here is No Why’: ‘In your sad machines, you’ll forever stay, burning up in speed, lost inside the dreams, of teen machines.’ Hi, welcome being 16-fucking-years-old.

‘Bullet with Butterfly Wings’: I grew up in the bible belt, so the Jesus references were just too awesome. And I learned how to head bang to this. And the radio gods must love me because every time I have a shitty day at work, I go to my car, turn on my radio and this song is almost always playing.

‘To Forgive’: This always reminds me of the days (even now) when I just don’t want to get out of bed.

‘An Ode to No One (Fuck you)’: This always made me giddy because he alluded to losing his virginity. I was a teenager! Give me a break!

‘Love’: This was sexy as hell to me.

‘Cupid de Locke’: Cherubs and sparkles and little candy hearts danced around my head during this one. I would just sit there with a goofy expression on my face.

‘Galapagos’: I decided at the age of 13, that the first man with the smarts to either sing this to me or put this on a mix tape would have my heart to my dying day. That offer still stands!

‘Muzzle’: Ladies and gentleman, my anthem from the ages of 13 to at least 20.

‘Porcelina of the Vast Oceans’: I’ve never had to do any mind-altering drugs because this song is musical opium.

‘Take me Down’: No, James Iha, I think not. James was Amanda’s boy anyway.

‘Where Boys Fear to Tread’: He said ‘Lover’ and I got all flustered. I WAS 12!!!!

‘Bodies’: ‘Love’ was sexy; this WAS sex. ‘All my blisters now revealed, in the darkness of my dreams’ put a name to my fears about wanting to love and be loved, but not yet being ready for the vulnerability that goes along with it.

‘Thirty-Three’: This calmed me down like nothing else ever could, and still does.

‘In the Arms of Sleep’: My adolescent self swooned all over this one.

‘1979′: So amazing and innovative, this actually made me consider my own mortality for the first time. The line ‘No one knows, just where our bones will rest, forgotten and absorbed, to the earth below’ made me think, ‘Hey, some day I won’t be here anymore.’ Deep stuff, ya’ll.

‘Tales of a Scorched Earth’: The line ‘Save me from the wasted, save me from myself’ could have lifted from any one of my notebooks.

‘Thru the Eyes of Ruby’: Another musical opiate, this made me drift off into La La Land. I always really liked the line ‘To the revelations of fresh faced youth, no one will come and save you, so speak your peace in the murmurs drawn, but youth is wasted on the young.’

‘Stumbleine’: Reason #238882386438 it’s a good thing I didn’t get pregnant in high school: I would totally have named the resultant offspring Stumbleine, regardless of gender.

‘X.Y.U.’: Another song that threw my newly emerging sexuality into a tailspin. Damn teenage hormones. Oh, and the line ‘I am made of shamrocks, I am made of stern stuff, I am never enough, I am the forgotten child’ really did it for me.

‘We Only Come out at Night’: This reminded me of my best friend at the time. It still does.

‘Beautiful’: Swoon. That’s all I can say really. ‘I’ll be under your stars forever, neither here nor there, just right beside you.’ *sigh*

‘Lily, My One and Only’: Songs about infatuation always make me happy, even now. Not that I’m prone to them or anything, ahem.

‘By Starlight’: This always struck me as a very dark love song, but that’s why I loved it. Love isn’t unicorns and rainbows for everyone.

‘Farewell and Goodnight’: I loved that it was all of them singing (Jimmy sings!!). And I really liked the line ‘The sun shines, but I don’t, a silver rain will wash away.’

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